Brain Farts Brain Fart brain farts brain fart brain-fart brain-farts brainfart brainfarts LEO Louisville Eccentric Observer parody lampoon satire Louisville Kentucky Kevin Gibson kgramone@aol.com kgramone humor
Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer (LEO) from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.
Unless you're as bored as I am.
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Brain Farts: I Was Just Wondering ... |
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By Kevin Gibson |
What if
John F. Kennedy had shot Lee Harvey Oswald?
What if J.D. Salinger had created “Leave it to Beaver”?
What if Japan had bombed Des Moines, Iowa?
What if, no matter how hard we tried or how much research the world’s most
brilliant scientists conducted, no one, not one human being on Earth, could
learn how to tie shoes?
What if “Three’s Company” had not been canceled? Who would be the landlord now?
What if Ringo had been shot instead of John Lennon?
What if my theory that horses and wombats are related pans out?
What if you smoke marijuana in slow motion?
What if George W. Bush was elected president? (Wait, scratch that.)
What if the Pope stepped off an airplane, groped a flight attendant named Larry,
stomped out his cigarette, bit the head off a live chicken, referred to the
Virgin Mother as a “slippery little slut,” promised to rid the world of decency
and announced to everyone that he’d spoken with God and said, “I’m pretty sure
we’re all screwed”?
What if no one noticed?
What if it turns out that Spam tastes good?
What if no one ever reads this sentence? Does it still exist?
What if aspirin caused headaches and beating yourself in the head with a lead
pipe relieved them?
What if one of the Ten Commandments was “All your base are belong to us”?
What if bass players had groupies?
What if Mr. T got a sex change operation?
What if, when you died, you were reincarnated as your own coffin?
What if I find my virginity?
Why is that if you add the letter “s” to the beginning of the word laughter, it
isn’t funny anymore?
Which came first: The maggot or the fly?
What if doctors discover that oxygen causes cancer?
What if ponies were carnivorous?
What if Life Savers really could save lives? Would they cost more?
What if nothing we do matters, that our entire lives are a colossal waste of
time because when we die, we blink out and the people we affect when we’re here
also blink out, meaning that in a certain amount of time the fact that we
existed at all won’t even be remembered? And if that is true, do we really
exist?
What if Jell-O could fly?
That’s all. I was just wondering.
Contact the writer at kgramone@aol.com.
But what if he doesn’t reply?