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Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer (LEO) from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.

Unless you're as bored as I am.

Brain Farts: Lawyers Say the Darnedest Things
	By Kevin Gibson April 24, 2002

Mel Ignatow, arguably Louisville's most notorious low-life, was denied shock probation earlier this month after requesting immediate release from prison following a January perjury conviction. Jefferson Circuit Judge Stephen Ryan's refusal to relieve Ignatow of his nine-year sentence means Ignatow may have to serve out the entire time.

My response: Nyaah!

Personally, I wish judges could ADD years to sentences for jerks like Ignatow who actually think they deserve some sort of reprieve. Think back to your youth: If your parents grounded you for being late to dinner and you talked back, often they would double that sentence just because they could -- and to teach you respect for the rules.

We all probably know that Ignatow was acquitted in 1991 of killing Brenda Sue Schaefer. That was before photographic evidence of the 1988 murder forced him to confess. Just this month, he sent his lawyer into court to argue for his release because Ignatow has been "crime free" for 12 years. (Close to half that time Ignatow was in prison, which is probably a pretty good place to stay "crime free," don't you think? Duh.)

The way I see it, most of us spend our WHOLE LIVES virtually crime free. No one has given me a freakin' medal for NOT torturing and murdering my girlfriend, so what the hell does Merry Old Mel want? A stinkin' plaque for not slaughtering any innocent people or lying under oath since the 1980s?

"And now we would like to announce our Outstanding Admitted Murderer of the Year," the speaker at the award banquet would say. "MR. MEL IGNATOW. Not only has Mr. Ignatow not committed perjury since 1989, he hasn't murdered anyone since a FULL YEAR BEFORE THAT. We want to give him this award for exercising such self-control and setting an example for what an admitted murderer can accomplish if given a second chance. Mr. Ignatow, come on up and get your award!"

Maybe O.J. Simpson could even show up to shake his hand and congratulate him on having 100 percent lack of conscience or human emotion.

Here's the cool part: After Ignatow served five years for lying to federal agents and a Kentucky grand jury about the murder and was released in 1997, state authorities quickly hit him with perjury charges stemming from a 1989 trial involving Dr. William Spalding, Schaefer's former employer, who threatened Ignatow.

Just days after Ignatow's release, the charges were filed in Jefferson Circuit Court. Ignatow's lawyers claimed authorities were unfairly trying to get back at his client for making a mockery of the justice system, to which Jefferson County Prosecutor Dave Stengel said, "We're not on a vendetta. We're not trying to be vindictive."

Vendetta or not, I applaud Stengel and Ryan. Justice may occasionally miss a step but, like an authoritative parent, doesn't put up with this kind of crap. Mr. Ignatow, consider yourself officially grounded.

Society, meanwhile, can rest assured you remain "crime free" for a while to come.

Contact the writer at kgramone@aol.com. And be truthful.