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Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.

Unless you're as bored as I am.

 

 

Gas and Discretion

By Kevin Gibson
April 7, 2007

I stopped at Speedway the other morning to buy a soda (Pepsi, lots of ice, if you must know), and the cashier distractedly asked me, “Sir, did you have gas today?”

I said, “No, but I had a stomach ache last night.”

Ba-boom!

In the two seconds or so it took her to get the joke, she gathered herself and dryly said, “Lay off the chili.”

It was a wonderful few seconds of my life that I won’t forget anytime soon, and I happily and proudly told my friends and family about it. Why? Because it was like something out of a sitcom, and it’s rare to have moments like those in real life.

And it got me to wondering: How many different one-liners would have worked in that scenario? This is why life is rarely as funny as a well-written situation comedy – because we don’t have a team of professional writers feeding us lines.

You think Matthew Perry is really as funny in real life as Chandler Bing was on “Friends”? Not a chance.

So here are a few more lines that might have worked:

Cashier: “Sir, did you have gas today?”

Possible responses:

  • “No, but I will if you want me to.”

  • “Yes, and my girlfriend made me sleep on the couch.”

  • “Sorry, I didn’t think you’d be able to smell it behind that counter.”

  • “Yes, but I blamed it on the dog.”

  • “Maybe … promise not to tell anyone?”

  • "No, but I might have cramps tomorrow."

  • “No, I just crapped my pants.”

I think about things like this all the time (not about farting, about great one-liners) and always wish I could have them at the ready. But how often does a meatball like “Sir, did you have gas today” come along? I guess I should be happy with what I came up with.

By the way, my girlfriend insists that I had an actual Brain Fart the other night and that I am duty-bound to share it. We were eating hot wings (which probably caused the gas) and talking with a friend about relationships or something, and I put my foot in my mouth and said, “Well, hey, like Shakespeare said, discrepancy is the better part of valor.”

She quickly noted that I meant to say “discretion,” not “discrepancy,” and she’s been teasing me about it ever since. There, I said it. Laugh at me all you want.

Just don’t complain if I have gas today.

E-mail me at kgramone@aol.com. But use discrepancy.