Drooling Idiots Think Glob of Candy is Holy Symbol

By Kevin Gibson
August 19, 2006

In Fountain Valley, Calif., last week, a group of employees at Bodega Chocolates more or less acknowledged they are drooling idiots by actually believing that a glob of chocolate is a “sign” from god.

Chocolatier Martucci Angiano believes the two-inch-tall glob bears a striking resemblance to the Virgin Mary. The glob was created as drippings accumulated under a large vat of dark chocolate in the factory she owns with her sister.

"When I come in, the first thing I do is look at the clock,” kitchen worker Cruz Jacinto, who discovered the pile of chocolate, said, “but this time I didn't look at the clock. My eyes went directly to the chocolate. I thought, 'Am I the only one who can see this?' I picked it up and I felt emotion just come over me. For me, it was a sign.”

A sign? A sign of what? A leaky chocolate vat?

Here’s what I have a problem with: There is holy war right now in the Middle East. People are dying in violent, horrible ways every day, children and other innocents included. Terrorists are killing and/or trying to kill people there and in other parts of the world, as well, in the name of religion – and god chooses to show himself by creating a two-inch piece of candy in a California chocolate factory that SORT OF looks like it may resemble the Virgin Mary?

HELLO? MORONS? CAN YOU HEAR ME????

Here’s more lunacy – the factory workers have been praying over this thing and placing rose petals around it. OK, even if it does look like a religious symbol, it’s not THE Virgin Mary. I was under the assumption she died quite a while back, or did I misread that? It’s chocolate! Chocolate!! Dip it in peanut butter and eat it, don’t freaking worship it.

This is a description of the chocolate wad from the Associated Press story: “The confection has a wide base and tapers gently toward a rounded top, giving the appearance of a female figure with her head tilted slightly to the right. The dark brown melting chocolate hardened into subtle layers that resemble the folds of a gown and a flowing veil.”

Sounds like a turd to me. But I digress. Here’s more: “A tiny white circle, about the size of a pencil eraser, sits in the upper center of the creation. Cruz said the white speck is the head of the Baby Jesus as he is held in Mary's folded arms.”

BWAAAA-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! I’m sorry, but this is rich (and I apologize for the pun). I can understand why people need something to look to for hope in this messed up world of ours, but grasping at confectionary saviors isn’t going to bring peace to the Middle East or make our government any less corrupt … or make hatred go away, or cleanse us of evil or save our souls or any of that.

If you think about it,
it also sort of looks like poo.
Would that make it "holy shit"?

Of course, Angioni seems to view it in a more personal way. “I have big problems right now, personally, and lately I've been saying that God doesn't exist,” she said. “This has given me renewed faith.”

Hey, great! So what, your marriage is failing, your 10-year-old is hopped up on more pot than Haley Joel Osment, and what amounts to a Virgin Mary Bar © – without almonds – is your sign that there’s a god who will take care of your problems for you? Sorry, but I am not buying it. (Although I bet the Virgin Mary Bar © would sell way better than the Baby Ruth.)

Look, before you get ticked off at me, please know that I’m not here to opine about whether there’s a god or not. I figure that IF there is one, we’re either being kept in relative darkness for a good reason or we just haven’t figured out what the signs are yet. Maybe he/she/it is trying to speak to us through Paris Hilton, but we just haven't caught on yet because she's such a stupid slut.

But whatever the case, you’ll never make me believe any god with any sense or any compassion would show himself through a lump of candy on the floor. No chance – unless he has one wicked-ass sense of humor. If that’s the case, I hope he reads Brain Farts. No telling what he might drop in my kitchen.

E-mail me at kgramone@aol.com. What’s next? Peeps shaped like Allah?

Read the news story: http://www.cnn.com/2006/US/08/17/chocolate.mary.ap/index.html