Brain Farts Brain Fart brain farts brain fart brain-fart brain-farts brainfart brainfarts LEO Louisville Eccentric Observer parody lampoon satire Louisville Kentucky Kevin Gibson kgramone@aol.com  kgramone humor

Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer (LEO) from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.

Unless you're as bored as I am.

This is a Brain Fart that was never published; I had written it before being told the column had been discontinued. So, for the first time anywhere (except my computer), here it is ...

As some of you know, Mr. Brain Farts is now gainfully employed. Hopefully, that means no more Strange But True Tales From the Unemployment Office. What it does mean is that for the last couple of weeks I’ve been obsessed with advertising.

I saw a commercial the other day for Old Navy clothing that was so bad it actually made me angry. It’s a spoof of “The Brady Bunch” about rugby shirts. “The Rugby Bunch.” It’s sung to the tune of the TV show theme, and Morgan Fairchild plays the lead character (Florence Henderson’s role as mom). Awful.

What I hate about this commercial, and most advertising for that matter, is that it’s not honest or even informative. The ONLY connection between rugby shirts and “The Brady Bunch” is the vague similarity between the words “rugby” and “Brady.” That’s IT. And they think this is going to make us want to buy their product?

I’m reminded of a scene from “The Muppets Take Manhattan” in which, after being hit by a car and developing amnesia, Kermit the Frog winds up working for an ad agency. His cohorts are trying to develop a slogan for Ocean Breeze Soap, and what they come up with is this hilarious gem: “Ocean Breeze soap is just like an ocean cruise, except there’s no boat and you don’t actually go anywhere.” Priceless.

So with that in mind, I’d like to present some fictional ad slogans we’ll never see. Some are brutally honest, and some are just downright mean. Enjoy:

Coca-Cola: “Tastes great. But the acid in it will burn through the lining in your stomach and cause bleeding ulcers.”

White Castle hamburgers: “Faster than Ex-Lax.”

Folger’s Coffee: “The best part of waking up is Folger’s in your cup. Unfortunately, as you get older, the caffeine will keep you up later and later, meaning that you will continue to need Folger’s every morning just to get out of bed and be semi-productive. That’s how we hook you. Don’t try to resist.”

The Catholic Church: “We may be child molesters, but at least we’re not Jewish.”

George W. Bush for President: “We almost got bin Laden.”

Microsoft: “Omnipresent and not about to go away.”

Jerry Falwell’s “Old Time Gospel Hour” TV show: “Watch us every Saturday and Sunday. Or God will kill you.”

Viagra: “Working long and hard for you.”

U.S. Army: “When you’re just not good enough to be a Marine.”

Right Guard deodorant: “You stink. Buy some Right Guard already.”

Miller Lite: “Looks like water, tastes worse. Seriously, just drink water.”

Lucky Strike cigarettes: “Unfiltered to get you hooked, demolish your lungs and kill you faster."

Louisville Eccentric Observer: “Carl Brown’s personal podium for 12 years.”

E-mail the writer at kgramone@aol.com. But remember that, in Louisville, no one can hear your screams.