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Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer (LEO) from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.

Unless you're as bored as I am.

 

 

Please Don't Feed the Homeless

By Kevin Gibson
August 2, 2006

I read recently that Las Vegas is one of a number of cities that have adopted ordinances that “limit the distribution of charitable meals” in parks.

In other words, Please Don’t Feed the Homeless.

I’m serious here, folks. I don’t consider myself a bleeding-heart liberal or anything, but that’s nuts. Making it illegal to feed the homeless in your parks? Wow. Granted, I do think homeless people should find a way to be useful if they haven’t already. Hey, we’d all like to lie around and get drunk every day, but most of us find more productive things to do. Like working, or shaving our chests.

But to make it illegal to give them a handout? To the city lawmakers of Las Vegas I respectfully offer this retort: F*** you. If I want to give someone half of my sandwich, I’m going to jolly well do it. Cuff me, you jack-asses – I’ll do it anyway.

The reasoning behind this ordinance is that the city fathers want to discourage the homeless from gathering in the city parks. It’s a beautification effort. I’m not kidding, this is actually how they reasoned this out. They just spent $1.7 million on landscaping the city park, so they don’t want the homeless hanging around and bringing down the property values or the aesthetic charm.

 

Seriously, if we can’t feed the homeless in the park, then how can we in good conscience feed the pigeons? If I drop bread crumbs on the ground and a homeless person tries to outwrestle a bird for them, what should I do? Call the police? Kick the homeless person in the head repeatedly so the bird can get the goods? Maybe I’d even get a medal!

And this is Las-Freaking-VEGAS. Hello? The police are going to stop me from giving a homeless lady a muffin, but the hundreds or even thousands of prostitutes lining the streets are OK? Seriously, Oscar Goodman, the mayor of Las Vegas, is considering legalizing prostitution in Vegas (it currently is technically not legal in the city), yet he somehow is put off by citizens giving homeless people a bite of their Big Mac.

He said, and I quote, prostitution could “be used as a redevelopment tool.” He mentioned turning Vegas’ East Freemont Street into a “little Amsterdam.” That’s all well and good (I really don’t care either way), but good grief, man. You’re validating something society has long considered immoral or undesirable and simultaneously telling us we can’t help our fellow man if they’re starving?

This guy is a real piece of … uh, work, it seems. At a recent city council meeting, he suggested that panhandlers with signs asking for food should be sued for “false advertising.” Why? Because soup kitchens provide free meals, so technically they aren’t starving.

And he’s not shy about being judgmental. He also has been quoted as saying, “Certain truths are self-evident. You know who’s homeless.” Yeesh. Mr. Goodman, you also know who’s an asshole – it’s evident by what they say and do.

And you’re an asshole.

The way I see it, Las Vegas residents should simply pay the homeless to eat our food. If we can pay a prostitute to let us put the pork sword inside her, then we should bloody well be within our rights to pay a homeless person to eat our pork chop. Here’s a quarter and a sandwich – have a bite, then call the mayor and tell him to kiss my ass.

E-mail me at kgramone@aol.com. And no mayo on my sandwich, please.