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Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.

Unless you're as bored as I am.

Cell phones are wonderful. Why? Because you can turn them off whenever you want to. Sure, you can unplug a landline phone, but somehow it doesn’t feel the same. That line is still running right into your house, but that cell tower is far, far away.

I almost always turn off my cell phone at night, and I don’t have a landline. My mother scoffed at this once and said, “Somebody will die in the middle of the night and we won’t be able to get in touch with you.” But if they’re dead, what can I do? If I was a surgeon or an E.R. doctor, then maybe I could help, but for crying out loud, I’m in marketing. What could I possibly do?

“We’ve got to get this guy into a television ad campaign, STAT!”

See what I mean?

But that’s not why I’m writing this. I’m trying to figure out who the idiot was who invented voice mail. Sure, it’s convenient and all, and you don’t ever have to rewind that little tape they used to put into those old-fashioned answering machines. But I have wasted so much time in the last five or so years waiting for the goddamned beep that I think I may vomit violently and turn lime green.

Say you call a friend or colleague, and they aren’t near their phone. You hear, “Hello, this is [insert friend or colleague’s name here], and I’m away from my phone right now. Leave me a message at the beep and I’ll call you back as soon as I can.”

But wait! You’re not ready yet! You still haven’t heard the generic female voice give you further instructions!

“If you’d like to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you’d like to leave your call back number, dial 1 now. To page this person, press 5.”

Silence. Wait for it ... wait for it ...

And finally you get the tone, at which point you’re fast asleep, so all your friend or colleague hears when he checks his voice mail is snoring.

But why does this generic woman have to tell us to wait for the tone? Our friend already told us this. Must it be repeated? So maybe we should stop saying it in our voice mail “greetings.” My son, Scott, has the best greeting of all. When you get his voice mail, his recorded voice says, “What!?!”, and then you get the beep. Brilliantly succinct, with more than just a little bit of smart-ass attitude to boot. I love that kid.

Here’s what else is annoying – people who leave you too much freaking information when they call. “Hey, uh, yeah, it’s [insert friend’s name here]. I was just wondering if we were still getting together tomorrow. I figured we could either go to that concert you were talking about or we could go over to the Highlands and hang out there. If you were still wanting to get some dinner beforehand, I was thinking maybe we could go to Q-Doba or maybe Za’s for some pizza. So, you know, whatever sounds good to you. So, I guess when you get this, give me a call. I should have my phone with me the rest of the day. Oh, in case you don’t have it, my number is 555-5555. Talk to you later.”

After careful analysis, I pinpointed a number of areas where this message could be condensed to save time and frustration, not to mention costly peak-hour minutes.

For instance, after the caller in this instance states his or her name, there is an immediate recap of recent conversations. Unless the callee was heavily drugged or inebriated at the time when those original conversations occurred, it’s likely he or she remembers them. They need not be rehashed.

Also, a discussion of restaurants seems premature a day in advance, and especially when the second party is not available to join in the discussion. Why provide a list at this point? And then the caller explicitly asks the callee to return the call. This would be presumed, wouldn’t it? It needn’t be explained. Then comes the phone number, but why? If this friend is personal enough to be going to dinner and an evening outing, it seems likely that person already has the number – probably pre-programmed. And then the second party is reassured, “Talk to you later.” Of course you will. That’s the whole point, isn’t it? Must you rhetorize?

After lengthy study and careful consideration and editing, I whittled down the message to this: “It’s [name], call me.” Or, better yet, don’t leave a message. They’ll see the number in their missed log calls and call you back anyway.

I’m not really all that good about returning messages. And since my greeting assures callers that I’ll call them back “as long as I’m not dead,” I’ll bet my mom would piss herself if she left me a message sometime and I didn’t call back for a week. Just think: If my phone was turned off, she wouldn’t be able to reach me and tell me I was dead, and then I’d miss my own funeral.

Contact the writer at kgramone@aol.com. Leave a message, and he’ll e-mail you back. From the afterlife.