Brain Farts Brain Fart brain farts brain fart brain-fart brain-farts brainfart brainfarts LEO Louisville Eccentric Observer parody lampoon satire Louisville Kentucky Kevin Gibson kgramone@aol.com kgramone humor
Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer (LEO) from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.
Unless you're as bored as I am.
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Brain Farts: Bean Patrol |
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By Kevin Gibson |
In a startling report today,
area police said they are investigating more and more cases of what they term
CUI, or "coffee urn irresponsibility."
Police stated that CUI cases are up 42 percent from just five years ago, and
that the result has been higher stress levels in the workplace and increased
incidences of random violence, even road rage.
"It's a little unsettling to us because we're the ones who ultimately have to
deal with these corporate crimes," said area Police Chief Roger Andout. "It
hardens you as a person to see firsthand some of the things people are capable
of."
One of the most common crimes police investigate is what they term "backsplash,"
which they describe as the act of a corporate employee who takes all but the
last splash or two of coffee and doesn't make a fresh pot. The results can range
from individual frustration to corporate chaos as other workers enter the break
room and find there is no fresh coffee.
An employee of the Corporate Corporation, who spoke on the condition that she
would not be identified, said, "A couple weeks ago, it happened to me three
times in a row. THREE TIMES. I went into caffeine withdrawal and had to drink a
Pepsi. At 9:30 a.m., no less. ... It was so horrible."
A marketing manager for Corp. Inc. told Brain Farts that he walked into the
company's break room just last week and found an opened sugar packet lying next
to the coffee pot. "Did they think someone else might actually USE that?" he
said. "I swear, it gives me the chills just thinking about it."
Police in nearby Metrotown and Cityville said reports of such coffee pot abuse
are growing more and more common there as well.
"It's as if all coffee etiquette has just gone out the window," said Cityville
Police Chief Joe Cuppa. "I'm mortified. Just when you think you've seen
everything in this line of work ..."
There have also been reports of opened, half-used non-dairy creamers lying on
countertops for hours; spilled plastic stirs that are not picked up for hours at
a time, and even regular, caffeine-laden coffee brewed in decaf pots (usually
marked by orange rims) and vice versa.
"Is nothing sacred to those devils?" sighed an exasperated Andout.
Cuppa made it clear that his department won't give up until the culprits are
found. "CUI is a serious social problem. First there was reefer; then came drunk
driving and date rape. Now we've got people leaving scant droplets in coffee
pots and not even turning off the warmer. If one of those pots was to explode, a
flying piece of glass could cause three, maybe four stitches. Don't people
understand?"
Brain Farts will continue to follow this disturbing story as it develops. In the
meantime, local authorities urge corporate employees to drink tea or water.
Contact the writer at kgramone@aol.com.
(Warning: Under 18 requires parental permission.)