Brain Farts Brain Fart brain farts brain fart brain-fart brain-farts brainfart brainfarts LEO Louisville Eccentric Observer parody lampoon satire Louisville Kentucky Kevin Gibson kgramone@aol.com kgramone humor
Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer (LEO) from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.
Unless you're as bored as I am.
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Brain Farts: Anything But the Bunny |
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By Kevin Gibson |
If you
think about it, all the Christmas money you spend really is your reward for
working hard all year.
Sure, people complain about it. "Christmas is soooo expensive," they say as they
hand over their debit card for a $17 fruitcake. I would say, "Hey! Either don't
buy the fruitcake or shut the hell up!" But the truth is, I'm not inclined to
speak to hypothetical people, because they really don't exist.
More importantly, that hypothetical Christmas shopper I refuse to speak to
EARNED the right to pay way too much for that disgusting fruitcake -- because he
or she worked hard all year to do it. They deserve this.
The reason they deserve it is because they know going into November they have to
budget a certain amount of money to buy gifts for friends, family, loved ones,
pets, mail carriers, bosses, co-workers, etc. By purchasing these gifts, they
ensure a certain number of reciprocal gifts. This is their payoff.
My experience is that most folks either A) give you money in a Christmas card to
save on shopping time; or B) ask you what you want for Christmas so they can get
you something they know you will like (and so they don't have to actually use
any creativity or energy to find something you'd like on their own).
This is a good thing, because if you get money, you replenish the money you
spent on that damn awful fruitcake. If you get a gift you like, you don't have
to go out and buy it for yourself later.
My mom asked me what I wanted for Christmas, so of COURSE, I told her I want the
new expanded reissues of the first four Ramones albums. DUH. Now I don't
have to buy them myself.
I do have to admit, however, that I prefer to pick gifts for others myself. I
also consider myself a good gift-giver. The exception to the theory I stated
above is that getting a gift you weren't expecting is even better than getting a
gift you would have eventually bought anyway. It says at once that you are in
tune with that person as a human being, that you listen to them when they talk
to you and that you took the time to wander the malls during the busiest time of
the season. People, THAT is love.
The downside is when people either THINK they are a good gift-buyer and really
aren't or they just don't give a crap and want you to believe they really
believe in their gift.
One year, my son got a big mechanical bunny that had moving ears and played a
song. That would have been fine, except that he was 12. I think that relative
must have bought him the gift when he was 2, and just kept forgetting to give it
to him.
Or maybe she was just senile. Either way, remember, only 13 more shopping days.
And I still need a Gillian Anderson calendar for 2002, in case you were
wondering.
E-mail the writer at kgramone@aol.com. He
also accepts cash.