Brain Farts Brain Fart brain farts brain fart brain-fart brain-farts brainfart brainfarts LEO Louisville Eccentric Observer parody lampoon satire Louisville Kentucky Kevin Gibson kgramone@aol.com kgramone humor
Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer (LEO) from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.
Unless you're as bored as I am.
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Brain Farts: Christmas Tradition |
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By Kevin Gibson |
"The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, in hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there." Whatever.
All families have their own Christmas traditions. Opening gifts, for example, differs from family to family. Some go in order from youngest to oldest; others designate an honorary "Santa Claus," make them wear a goofy red Santa hat, and have them pass out all the gifts; and some just open all the gifts at once, like a free for all.
In some families, before you can open a gift you must sit on Santa's lap - Santa being played each year by your creepy Uncle Gilley - until you feel Santa's magic "candy cane." In still others, gifts are distributed based on the merit system, with the "good" people getting many presents, and the "bad" people getting none, but being forced to watch the others open theirs. In shackles.
There are even many varying traditions for eating the holiday meal. In some families, everyone sits around an enormous table and passes dishes clockwise until everyone's plate is full. Others partake of the holiday meal "buffet style," wherein everyone dishes out their own food straight from the pots and pans, resulting in a nice clear table on which to eat.
In other families, you only get to eat the holiday meal if you pretend your great-grandmother, who died eight years ago, is still alive. She never cleans her plate, but at least she doesn't stink anymore. I think it's funny that they keep her in the big freezer in the garage. Is that against the law?
Naturally, holiday family brawls differ from clan to clan. In some, they are spontaneous, depending on who gets pissed off first. In others, it is more orderly, with time limits or three-minute rounds. Grandma always backs out because of her bad hip. God.
Christmas morning is best. My parents used to wrap up dog toys for me -- and dead rodents. They would laugh and laugh. Once, my dad wrapped up a piece of dry ice and told me it was a stickless sucker. And one year, all I got for Christmas really WERE my two front teeth. It kind of spoiled the surprise, though, when they pulled them out of my head on Christmas Eve. I think it contributed to my compulsive aversion to channel locks.
Um, of course this is all hypothetical. None of this really happened. I mean, Christmas is a time for family, right? It's for counting your blessings. For happy things like sharing and gentleness. And thawing out great-grandma.
E-mail the writer at kgramone@aol.com. You just might be on his Christmas list this year.