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Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer (LEO) from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.

Unless you're as bored as I am.

Brain Farts: In His Own Words
	By Kevin Gibson December 20, 2000

Imagine a press conference shortly after George W. Bush is declared the winner of the 2000 United States Presidential Election. Using actual quotes from George Bush as compiled by Slate.com’s Jacob Weisberg, the Q&A could go something like this:

Mr. Bush, when you are sworn in, what would you and the vice president like to see happen with the economy?

“Dick Cheney and I do not want this nation to be in a recession. We want anybody who can find work to be able to find work.”

Hmm. What would you like to say to your detractors?

“They misunderestimated me.”

OK, Mr. Bush, tell us: Do you think the changing of the political guard will help America forget some of the transgressions of the previous regime, such as the Monica Lewinsky scandal?

“That’s a chapter, the last chapter of the 20th, 20th, the 21st century that most of us would rather forget. The last chapter of the 20th century. This is the first chapter of the 21st century.”

Um, OK. Would you address how you plan to improve education?

“We want our teachers to be trained so they can meet the obligations, their obligations as teachers. We want them to know how to teach the science of reading. In order to make sure there’s not this kind of federal ... federal cufflink.”

And what is your stance on abortion?

“If the East Timorians decide to revolt, I’m sure I’ll have a statement.”

Uh, never mind. Could you please address your position on gun control?

“I think we ought to raise the age at which juveniles can have a gun.”

Interesting. So are you against military spending? Don’t you think a reduction in arms could leave the United States vulnerable?

“I don’t want nations feeling like that they can bully ourselves and our allies. I want to have a ballistic defense system so that we can make the world more peaceful, and at the same time I want to reduce our own nuclear capacities to the level commiserate with keeping the peace.”

Sir, do you believe you’ll be a more effective president than Clinton?

“The fundamental question is, ‘Will I be a successful president when it comes to foreign policy?’ I will be, but until I’m the president, it’s going to be hard for me to verify that I think I’ll be more effective.”

I’m not sure that answers the question, Mr. Bush.

“I think if you know what you believe, it makes it a lot easier to answer questions. I can’t answer your question.”

Thank you, Mr. Bush, for your insights. Do you have anything to say in closing?

“The legislature’s job is to write the law. It’s the executive branch’s job to interpret the law.”

E-mail the writer at kgramone@aol.com. But please don’t ask him who he voted for.