Brain Farts Brain Fart brain farts brain fart brain-fart brain-farts brainfart brainfarts LEO Louisville Eccentric Observer parody lampoon satire Louisville Kentucky Kevin Gibson kgramone@aol.com kgramone humor
Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer (LEO) from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.
Unless you're as bored as I am.
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Brain Farts: Idiots Are Taxpayers, Too |
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By Kevin Gibson |
A fictional Surgeon General's report today revealed that stupidity is to blame for just about everything.
Surgeon General David Satcher, in a lengthy published document, blamed stress, domestic violence, poverty, theft, abortion, the poor quality of network television, the divorce rate, the notion of cats as pets, light beer and cargo pants all on stupidity.
"Don't you think Cargo pants are stupid? I do," Satcher said.
Asked what he hopes to accomplish with the report, Satcher said, "nothing really." Then he changed his mind and said he hopes it will lead to possible effective preventions of stupidity. The first kind of prevention that comes to mind, he said, is to encourage people to not be stupid. The next is education, he said, "but that just takes so long."
He noted, "We have explored the notion of killing the stupid in cold blood, but that doesn't seem at all nice."
Instead, Satcher's report suggests taxing stupidity. "For instance, whenever someone sits at a stoplight so long that he causes drivers behind him to honk their horns, that's a 75-cent tax," he said. "Or when the fast-food drive-through employee gets your order wrong even though you repeated it three times, that's a $1.25 tax.
"It should be noted, however," he added, "that going through a fast-food drive-though is taxable up to 80 cents in its own right."
The report, which is being called The Really, Really Stupid Papers, received mixed reviews from lawmakers across the U.S.
"I think Surgeon General Satcher is right on with his latest report," said Sen. Rudolph Histchler (R-West Dakota). "We should strive to raise the average IQ, and taxing the hell out of stupid people is the best answer I can think of. Of course, I hadn't really thought about it until you asked me. What time is it?"
Others disagreed, such as Rep. Moronic Peabrain (D-New Maine). "I think we should tax the integregent," he said. "I would injectorate that taxing the stupid is an act of incrimination that will not be tolerable in my jurisdiction. It is latently pregnuditial and unright under the U.S. constipation."
"Let me tell you something else," said Sen. Vapid Insight (R-East Carolina). "That Satcher guy? He's not really a general. I'm not sure he's even really a surgeon. Have you ever seen him with a stethoscope?"
Satcher remained undaunted by his critics. Well, sort of undaunted. "Those people will go broke paying their stupidity taxes," he said. "Idiots. I hate them. Hate them, hate them, hate them. Nyaah."
Afterward, he pulled up his socks, cleared his throat and announced that the success of 'N Sync is attributable to stupidity as well. But we already knew that.
E-mail the writer at kgramone@aol.com. We're absolutely sure he's not a surgeon.