Brain Farts Brain Fart brain farts brain fart brain-fart brain-farts brainfart brainfarts LEO Louisville Eccentric Observer parody lampoon satire Louisville Kentucky Kevin Gibson kgramone@aol.com kgramone humor
Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer (LEO) from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.
Unless you're as bored as I am.
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Brain Farts: In His Image |
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By Kevin Gibson |
Jesus
came back that crisp spring day, wearing a white robe and sandals, long hair and
a beard — just like in the picture books we saw in Sunday school.
He rose on high and told His loyal followers, “I have returned to show you the
way to Heaven!” The 80 or so people who showed up for His coming-out party
cheered.
As the days went by, word spread across neighborhoods, into restaurants and bus
stations, then to the Internet and into the news. Tom Brokaw announced to NBC
viewers, “Jesus has returned to lead His children home; it is now confirmed
Michael Bolton was the anti-Christ.”
Soon, the throng of loyal followers grew from 80 to 80 million. Jesus was
pleased. He sat in His one-bedroom apartment in Queens (he’s a carpenter’s son,
OK?) and smiled. He drove around in His 1974 AMC Gremlin (the son of God would
never drive an SUV) and surveyed the wonderful things He had accomplished in
only a matter of weeks. He was extremely pleased.
Soon, nearly the entire world had contracted what the media was now calling
“Jesus Fever.” He drew mobs wherever He went. People wore officially licensed
robes and sandals and grew long hair and beards. Girls screamed. His picture
adorned magazines from Esquire to Teen Beat.
Billboards exclaimed things like, “Got Jesus?” A TV commercial proclaimed,
“Better ingredients, better savior.” Another had a Jesus look-alike on the
phone, talking to an apostle, saying, “W’zaaaaaap?” Sales of the Bible
increased.
A recount showed Jesus actually won the Florida electoral votes. Trey Parker and
Matt Stone, creators of the TV program “South Park,” apologized repeatedly.
Jesus made a guest appearance on “The Drew Carey Show.”
Then one day, during a press conference attended by every major news media,
Jesus made a joke. “It’s amazing,” He said, rubbing His chin. “I’m bigger than
Britney Spears.”
Soon, young people across America began publicly burning their
Officially-Licensed Jesus Sandals. Boys shaved their beards and cut their long
hair. Girls did, too. Indulgent parents were outraged at the boldness and
attitude of this so-called “savior.” Jesus wept. No one heard His sobs.
Bigger than Britney?
In the end, Jesus Fever dwindled to less than lukewarm. Jesus returned to whence
he came, no longer ruler of his kingdom. The few avid supporters who remained
loyal, maybe 80 or so, came to see him off. They waved and wept as his ’74
Gremlin disappeared out of sight.
Britney’s album sales reached an all-time high that week. This pleased Her.
America lived happily ever after.
E-mail the writer at kgramone@aol.com.
Just be nice, for chrissakes.