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Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.

Unless you're as bored as I am.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Contact: Kevin Gibson

kgramone@aol.com

You Suck

LOUISVILLE, Ky. – February 11, 2006 – In a press release today, Brain Farts noted that you suck.

“You suck,” said the report from the official Brain Farts website, located on the web at www.brainfartsonline.com. The release was issued internationally via the site, which is written and operated by Kevin Gibson of the Louisville, Ky., area. 

When met with negative reaction shortly following the release, the Brain Farts writer and creator responded only that, “I stand by my statement.”

"I never agreed otherwise, and I'm the leader for the country of the free world of this people," said President George W. Bush. “I say we invade this obvious threat to global democracy, and after that we’ll wire-tap his ass.”

“The infidel cannot and shall not depict Mohammed in a Brain Fart as ‘sucking,’ and that is exactly what he has done,” said Muslim extremist Ahman Idhyut, of the Gaza Strip. “May he burn and be tortured, and may he eat the brains of pigs while tied to a camel’s scrotum. And then we shall storm the infidel Brain Fart embassies throughout the world and exact our revenge!”

"I'm not sure who this Fart person even is, but I'd say his opinion is purely based on his partisan political views and not on anything I personally have done to him in my career," added Vice President Dick Cheney, smelling strangely of two-day-old meatloaf and cheap bourbon.

“Well, that just pisses me off,” said the writer’s mother. “No one should talk to their mom that way – and after all I’ve done for that ungrateful little shit. I’ve had it with him.”

Responded actor and complete weenie Tom Cruise: “I don’t care what he says, man, I’m in love. You hear that world?! I’m in loooove! WOOOOOOO!!”

“Oh, that’s just like him,” said a former girlfriend (who asked that she not be named, in interest of her reputation). “He makes a narrow-minded, blanket statement and has the nerve to think it’s funny. Like shock value is some new form of comedy or something. He really needs to get a new shtick, or maybe even grow up. There’s an idea. Jesus.”

“So what if I do suck?” responded Star Trek actor George Takai.

“He’s been saying I suck for, like, I dunno, five years now,” said pop diva Britney Spears, shortly after tongue-kissing her bodyguard, Ace Halbertson, and taking a long drag off a half-smoked Camel. “But I’ve got a recording contract, and I’m a big star. I could buy and sell his ass like it’s a nickel bag of pot. And if he says I’m nothing but skank trailer trash with money just one more time, I’m going to sue.”

Concluded Brain Farts in a follow-up statement: "You still suck."

Further comments were not available prior to press time.

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E-mail me at kgramone@aol.com. Unless you suck.