Brain Farts Brain Fart brain farts brain fart brain-fart brain-farts brainfart brainfarts LEO Louisville Eccentric Observer parody lampoon satire Louisville Kentucky Kevin Gibson kgramone@aol.com kgramone humor
Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer (LEO) from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.
Unless you're as bored as I am.
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Brain Farts: Complete This Sentence |
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By Kevin Gibson |
The
last person in the world I would want to trade places with right now is John
Walker Lindh, the so-called American Taliban.
I used to think it would be Todd Bridges, the guy who played Willis on
“Diff’rent Strokes,” but then I remembered he got to make out with Janet Jackson
on national television. So now it’s definitely Lindh.
Why? Because the man is SCREWED. We can’t find Osama bin Laden, so we’re gonna
take out all our America-Can’t-Be-Broken revenge on this dork. I’m not saying he
doesn’t deserve it, but it’s still painful to watch. I have to shake my head
when I read paragraphs from major news organizations like, “If convicted, Lindh,
20, of Marin County, Calif., could face 47 life sentences plus 90 hundred
thousand zillion added years in prison, U.S. Attorney Gen. John Ashcroft said.”
Seriously, I know the excessive punishment is largely symbolic, but just how
many life sentences can one criminal serve? He’s only going to die once. So the
penal system or society or someone gets short-changed. Are we going to keep his
rotting corpse in a jail cell until all his life sentences are served?
Again, he may deserve it. This idiot reportedly joined forces with bin Laden
after being told that 50 suicide bombers had been deployed to the United States
and Israel to commit acts of terrorism.
Now Lindh is in the clink with a bond of about $94 bajillion. Naturally, his
lawyers object. One wonders if they truly believe Lindh is no danger to society
and not a flight risk, or if they’re just being lawyers.
Hmm, let’s see, he left the United States for the Middle East to join the
Muslims, and he trained at one of bin Laden’s terror camps. Uh, YEAH, I think
this guy is a bit of a risk. And his parents seem to believe he’s a little angel
gone astray. Love really is blind, I suppose. But who would want to
believe their child is capable of such things?
Imagine the friggin’ CIA showing up at the door saying, “Excuse us, Mr. and Mrs.
Lindh, but your son Johnny is a TERRORIST. Yeah, he joined al-Qaida, trained at
bin Laden’s junior terrorist boot camp and has now devoted his life to KILLING
INNOCENT PEOPLE in the name of some screwed-up holy mission — just like the
common, putrid, bearded Taliban BUTT-WART that he is. Just thought you’d want to
know. G’day.”
So now he’ll get a big, dramatic O.J.-like trial, during which he’ll be called
everything from Benedict Arnold to a murderer, his mother will weep openly and
someone will undoubtedly pass out. Then they’ll lock Lindh’s butt away in a cell
for 17 lifetimes (with good behavior) and he will fade into oblivion except to
appear on some occasional “60 Minutes” reports as a bearded old lunatic.
All in all, it makes Todd Bridges’ life as a washed-up-actor-turned-coke-fiend
look pretty damn appealing.
Contact the writer at kgramone@aol.com. Be gentle. He had a childhood crush on
Dana Plato.