Brain Farts Brain Fart brain farts brain fart brain-fart brain-farts brainfart brainfarts LEO Louisville Eccentric Observer parody lampoon satire Louisville Kentucky Kevin Gibson kgramone@aol.com kgramone humor
Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer (LEO) from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.
Unless you're as bored as I am.
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Valentine’s Day Exclusive: God
Finally Admits |
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By Kevin Gibson FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE HEAVEN – February 14, 2009 – God announced today that romantic love, as it has come to be known by modern human societies, does not exist. What humans perceive to be this type of love, He stated, is actually just the result of genetic programming inserted into our DNA that compels us to propagate the species. All forms of life have it, He revealed.
“Oh yeah, right,” God responded, chuckling. “You should have seen that guy. He was nailing everything that moved. Puh-lease.” God explained that if he had intended for romantic love to exist, he would not have created all the ridiculous traps that also work to undermine its existence: things like infidelity, heartbreak, codependency, genital herpes and stupidity. “Take this ‘Rock of Love’ show that’s on TV now,” God said. “Do you think I would want those people to reproduce? Or even be happy? Talk about a direct path toward de-evolution. I mean, Jesus Christ, people. Oh, uh … sorry, son.” He pointed to the fact that romantic love fails more than it succeeds as yet more evidence against its existence as an actual human emotion. The emotions, He said, are what come after that feeling has gone away: Anger, sadness, confusion, jealousy, etc. He added, “A romantic relationship is a bad idea from the get-go, because it can end in only one of two ways: Someone leaves or someone dies.” God said that a number of scientific studies have gotten it almost right – romantic love isn’t an emotion, it’s a powerful shot of dopamine that hits the brains of vertebrates when they think they’ve found someone to hook up with. “Look, if a woman millions of years ago was carrying around a baby in one arm and was trying to gather, I don’t know, sticks and berries with the other, don’t you think she’s going to look for some help?” God said. “Of course she is. And when she finds help in the form of a man, she gets excited. That’s really all there is to it, it just grew from sticks and berries into Hallmark Cards Inc., “he went to Jared” commercials and the freaking florist industry.” God cites a 2007 study at Albert Einstein College of Medicine in New York, which showed that indeed the feeling of being “in love” is fed by the same area of the brain that is stimulated when people have a craving for their favorite food or find any other external stimulation or excitement. You do drugs, you jump-start that part of the brain, the study showed – it’s purely physiological. “Which probably explains why people have sex with uglies when they drink,” God said. “Seriously, humans need to stop giving themselves so much credit. ‘Great truths,’ my Holy ass. People just want some tail, that’s all.” Asked why He chose the one national holiday that revolves around romantic love to make this announcement, He said, “Because it wouldn’t have been as fun on St. Patrick’s Day, asshole. Look, I’m God – don’t ask stupid questions.” God noted that He’s also been considering telling humankind the truth about what happened with the dinosaur, but that it would come in a separate press release. -30- E-mail me if you must. And stop looking so confused. |
