bush approval rating Brain Farts Brain Fart brain farts brain fart brain-fart brain-farts brainfart brainfarts LEO Louisville Eccentric Observer parody lampoon satire Louisville Kentucky Kevin Gibson kgramone@aol.com kgramone humor cat's ass fart anna kournikova zeitgeist bush approval rating
Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.
Unless you're as bored as I am.
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Brain Farts: Let's Give This Guy a Hand |
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By Kevin Gibson |
Some friends of mine are recording an album (they're musicians, so it's OK), and while I was visiting the studio the other day the conversation took an interesting turn.
The drummer told us of a guy he read about recently who was working on a home improvement project in his basement when he accidentally cut off his hand with a power saw. Whoops!
That must be disconcerting. I mean, you get so used to your hand being attached to your arm that seeing it lying on the floor must really be difficult to deal with at first. I know it would be for me.
So what does this guy do? He tries to commit suicide to put himself out of his misery. How? He tries to kill himself WITH A NAIL GUN. I'm serious: He shot himself 12 times in the head WITH A NAIL GUN.
Several aspects of this really bother me. No. 1, it's A NAIL GUN. For crying out loud, if you feel the need to kill yourself over this, then why not throw yourself on the saw? It certainly worked well in getting rid of the hand.
And it seems to me, after five or six nails penetrated his skull, he would realize, "Hey, this isn't working. I'm still alive." Don't you think he would stop before he got to 12? I mean, this isn't a Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop and an attempt to find out how many licks gets you to the center. Do you really want to know how many nails it takes to die?
Furthermore, why suicide? Geez, why not just use the one good hand you have left to dial 9-1-1? That's why nature gave you a shoulder, so you could hold the phone between it and your chin in case one of your hands has accidentally been cut off by a power saw. Seriously, I think I saw that on the Discovery Channel. Or maybe it was the Cartoon Network; I don't remember exactly.
If the guy really wanted to kill himself, he should have contacted NASCAR and become a stock car racer. It worked for Dale Earnhardt, and it worked for lots of other people too.
Don't misunderstand; I'm not being callous here. I can't imagine what Earnhardt's family is going through right now. I don't want to imagine it. But more and more it becomes apparent to me that if you're a NASCAR driver you WILL die in a crash at some point.
Maybe NASCAR could set up some kind of feeder system wherein young drivers -- and recent amputees - can race. The ones who kill themselves won't be allowed to graduate to the NASCAR circuit. The ones who [italics]don't[end ital] kill themselves graduate to the next level, and they can just kill themselves at Daytona or wherever is convenient.
Or maybe the government should start regulating the activities men undertake. That seems to be the real problem here. Power saws, nail guns, family cars going 200 mph -- makes a strong case for shopping or gardening, doesn't it?
Contact the writer at kgramone@aol.com. Stop him before he writes again.