Brain Farts Brain Fart brain farts brain fart brain-fart brain-farts brainfart brainfarts LEO Louisville Eccentric Observer parody lampoon satire Louisville Kentucky Kevin Gibson kgramone@aol.com kgramone humor
Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer (LEO) from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.
Unless you're as bored as I am.
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Brain Farts: Good Lord |
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By Kevin Gibson |
Some
Jehovah’s Witnesses showed up at my door again the other day. Apparently,
telling them I worship Satan didn’t dissuade them in the least. So this time I
tried a different approach.
When they introduced themselves as Oscar and Kent, I invited them into my home
gladly, asking them why they hadn’t been ’round in a while and whether those
sores had cleared up yet.
When they sat and I brought them each a glass of iced tea (I added a splash of
Bacardi, just for fun), Kent informed me that, “We as Jehovah’s Witnesses, are
interested in you and your welfare. We want to be your friends and to tell you
more about ourselves, our beliefs, our organization and how we feel about the
world in which all of us live.”
Oscar handed me a copy of the Watchtower. “To help accomplish this goal,”
he said, “we have brought this for you.”
“Wow!” I said. “This is a first-edition Watchtower No. 347! I’ve been
looking for this everywhere — even the Great Escape doesn’t have it!”
They exchanged puzzled glances, after which I said, “I have to give you
something in return. It won’t be as good, but I have some stuff. Wait here!” I
ran into the next room and returned with a handful of magazines.
“This is a Spider-Man No. 608 — it isn’t mint, but it’s a great book. And
this is a Brave and Bold No. 366, when Batman teamed up with Ving Rhames.”
Kent said, “Uh, sir, thank you, but we came here to talk to you about the Bible.
We as Jehovah’s Witnesses believe the Bible should be taken as literal truth in
all ways.”
“Hey,” I said. “What a coincidence, because I feel the same way about High
Fidelity by Nick Hornby — except for that stuff about the size of Ian’s
privates.”
“Wha ...”
“Hey!” I screamed, cutting off Oscar in mid-word. “I just remembered I have a
question! Who is this Jehovah guy, anyway? Is he the one who went up to the
mountain to throw water on the burning bush, found those magic sandals and then
discovered the theory of evolution?”
“Uh, we believe Jehovah is the actual name of our Lord God Almighty,” Kent said.
“Bullshit,” I told him. “I met the Lord God Almighty at an Advertising
Federation mixer, and he introduced himself as Simon. I gotta say, though, he
doesn’t look nearly as much like George Burns as I expected. I’m surprised they
didn’t get someone else to play him in the movie. That Freddie Prinze Jr. sure
is hot.”
“Gosh, Oscar, look at the time,” Kent said.
“Hey!” I said. “Is it true the ninth commandment originally read, ‘Thou shalt
not copulate with sheep’?”
“We really need to go, sir,” Oscar said. “Thank you for your time, and God
bless.”
“I thought you said his name was Jehovah!” I called after them as they scurried
toward the door. “So which is it? Jehovah or Simon? What’s your phone number?”
Interestingly, I haven’t seen them since. I really was looking forward to that
next issue of Watchtower. I wonder if Hawley-Cooke has it?
E-mail the writer at kgramone@aol.com. Are
commandments like amendments?