bush approval rating Brain Farts Brain Fart brain farts brain fart brain-fart brain-farts brainfart brainfarts LEO Louisville Eccentric Observer parody lampoon satire Louisville Kentucky Kevin Gibson kgramone@aol.com kgramone humor cat's ass fart anna kournikova zeitgeist bush approval rating
Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.
Unless you're as bored as I am.
|
Brain Farts: God Admits 'Beatles Were
My Band' |
|
 |
By Kevin Gibson |
In a press release this week, God admitted the Beatles were His divine creation and that it was he who actually wrote songs like, "Please Please Me," "Eleanor Rigby" and "Everybody's Got Something to Hide Except for Me and My Monkey."
While God also came clean on a few mistakes -- among them Rosie O'Donnell, disco and the WWF - he declined to directly apologize, saying, "What do you expect? I'm God."
In a statement that shocked the music world, however, The Creator claimed responsibility for giving John Lennon the idea for "Please Please Me," which turned out to be the Beatles' first No. 1 hit.
"They seemed like such nice lads," God said. "Skiffle certainly wasn't getting them anywhere, and after what happened with that Sutcliffe fellow, and of course John's childhood, I felt that giving them a No. 1 hit was the least I could do."
More hits came as a result, and the Beatles followed that path until God said he intervened again in the mid-1960s.
"Most people don't know this, but the Beatles had a secret band meeting in late 1965 wherein they agreed to record a Calypso album," God said in the press release. "This didn't fit into my divine plan, so I sent Paul the idea for 'Eleanor Rigby' and sent George the idea for 'Taxman.' John was doing all right on his own, so I let him alone, and Ringo -- well, Ringo was Ringo. He wasn't doing any harm, so I just let him be.
"The bottom line is," God said, "The Beatles were [italics]my[end ital] band."
This, of course, is about the time the Beatles' sound began to take an experimental turn, which led to albums like Revolver, Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, "the White Album" and Abbey Road.
God also claimed direct responsibility for "The Andy Griffith Show," the Summer of Love ("Something had to give," he reasoned), beer and Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. "I also sent down the idea for the smallpox vaccination, but since I created the disease in the first place, I don't want to take too much credit for that," God said.
On the flipside, God offered his regrets for various other occurrences and misfortunes, such as: what happened to the Titanic ("Simply bad judgment on my part," he said); Spam; crib death; the 1970s in general; toilets that overflow; traffic, and of course the untimely demise of Elvis Presley.
"It was a tough call," God said of Elvis' death, "but I didn't want to see his legend disappear in a big rhinestone-covered mound of flab."
God also said the whole Pokémon thing is unfortunate, but declined to elaborate. Calls to Heaven for further comment were not returned before press time.
Contact the writer at kgramone@aol.com. But don't get religious about it, OK?