Brain Farts Brain Fart brain farts brain fart brain-fart brain-farts brainfart brainfarts LEO Louisville Eccentric Observer parody lampoon satire Louisville Kentucky Kevin Gibson kgramone@aol.com kgramone humor
Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer (LEO) from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.
Unless you're as bored as I am.
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Brain Farts: The Party |
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By Kevin Gibson |
Had a New Year's Eve party last week. It was pretty freaky. Tipper Gore was making out with Joey Ramone in the laundry room. He had his tongue farther down her throat than Al did that time on TV. Gross.
I was really OK with the fact that Robert Downey Jr. brought marijuana, but I don't think the guests liked it when that giant mosquito sucked out his brains. Even those of us who don't even smoke the stuff saw it. Now THAT is some quality pot.
Yoko was ticking off everyone. She found out the White Album was one (well, OK, two) of the discs in the CD changer, so when no one was looking she set it to repeat "Revolution No. 9" over and over. She is such a bitch. Nobody was upset when Kane Hodder showed up in costume and chopped her in half with his machete. I know I wasn't.
And who the heck invited Al Roker? The jerk ate up all the bean dip, then went around to everyone saying, "Pull my finger." I mean, it was kind of funny at the Fourth of July picnic, but geez ...
And who told Insane Clown Posse they could bring along that idiot Bozo? He's not even in the band. Or is he? I guess that's OK, but they played truth or dare with my roommate's girlfriend in the back bedroom, and now she goes around singing "Send in the Clowns" all the time. ALL the time.
Oh, and I kicked Kevin Costner's butt for flirting with my girlfriend. Seriously, he even cried. And I know he wasn't acting, because the man can't act. He sure does blubber like a little girl, though. "Waterworld" -- whatever.
I still haven't located my pet hamster. I fear he may be gone forever. Maybe someone walked off with him in their pocket or something. I do remember that Richard Simmons was acting kind of guilty, and he kept coming up to me and asking if he could use my plunger. I can't stand that guy.
Elvis didn't show again this year. Maybe he really [italics]is[end ital] dead. Crap.
I guess I should have invited Tracy from Tracy's World. But she always hits on all the married guys and then has one of her fake fainting spells to get attention, and all the women get mad that I sent her an invitation. Last time, she borrowed Gillian Anderson's lipstick and never gave it back.
The party broke up when the neighbors complained about the noise. Spinal Tap was rocking out in the backyard. I told them not to turn their amps up to 11, but they didn't listen. Right in the middle of "Tonight I'm Gonna Rock You Tonight," the cops came, and that was it.
You know what? I'm lying. I didn't really have a party. [italics]Psych[end ital].
E-mail the writer at kgramone@aol.com -- if in fact that is his real e-mail address.