Brain Farts Brain Fart brain farts brain fart brain-fart brain-farts brainfart brainfarts LEO Louisville Eccentric Observer parody lampoon satire Louisville Kentucky Kevin Gibson kgramone@aol.com kgramone humor
Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer (LEO) from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.
Unless you're as bored as I am.
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Brain Farts: The First Porn Review |
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By Kevin Gibson |
As an
award-winning film critic, this writer sees both the good and bad of modern
cinema. Sometimes the good is a breathtaking, life-changing treat. At times, the
bad is like a gastric assault from the bowels of all that is terrible in
entertainment.
Having recently seen the film “Vixen Picnic,” I must say that filmmaking has hit
an all-time low. Ed Wood made an art of bad cinema many years ago, but this
piece of work cannot begin to enter that arena. At least “Plan Nine From Outer
Space” was intentionally bad; “Vixen Picnic” is, at best, offensive and at
worst, I dare say, pornographic.
First, there is a startling lack of plotline. Indeed, there seemed to be some
artistry to the simplicity of the opening scene, in which two supple young
ladies are lying in lounge chairs on a sunny day. The overlit, on-location scene
first led me to think some kind of anamorphic shot might be on its way; instead,
one of the young ladies, dressed in a black G-string bikini and garters (how
gauche), asked the other young lady, who wore a green bikini with no top, to
please put more suntan oil on her back.
Thinking that some action would now get the story rolling, I refocused my
attention and prepared myself for some meaningful dialogue. None was
forthcoming. Instead, the first young lady commented on the softness of her
co-star’s hands. Soon, she began to moan and say things like, “Oh yeah, you like
that, don’t you?”
Now, the lack of post-production work done on “Vixen Picnic” (and
pre-production, too, for that matter) is such that it looks almost like a home
video. This has been done to wonderful effect in past films, but in this one
seems to be merely, well, cheap.
Getting back to the storyline, as you probably imagined, our two “vixens” end up
nude within mere minutes. I cannot write here what they did to one another. In
fact, I still held hope that at some point the director, Long Hung Lo (I wasn’t
initially aware it was an Asian film) would make his point. Instead, about 10
minutes into the film, the man from the local power company arrived.
“I’m here to read your meter, Mrs. Starburst,” he announced as he walked
clumsily into the scene.
The film devolved from there into a horrid flesh fest. It was soon thereafter
that I left the theater. Not only can I not recommend this film for viewing by
anyone, based on its lack of plot and artistic value, but I must say I fear for
the future of filmmaking in general. It is my hope that Lo never gets funding
for a project again.
May God almighty help us if this kind of production were ever to catch on and
become its own category of film. Rating: Total bomb.
Contact the writer at kgramone@aol.com.
But make sure it’s G-rated.