Brain Farts Brain Fart brain farts brain fart brain-fart brain-farts brainfart brainfarts LEO Louisville Eccentric Observer parody lampoon satire Louisville Kentucky Kevin Gibson kgramone@aol.com  kgramone humor

Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer (LEO) from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.

Unless you're as bored as I am.

This is not a Brain Fart. This is merely my way of saying I’m sorry for not posting a Brain Fart in nearly a month. I repeat, this is NOT a Brain Fart. If this were an actual Brain Fart you would have been told where to tune in for news and official misinformation.

The truth about why I haven’t posted a Brain Fart recently is this: Forty-seven elephants held me hostage in an Amish pole barn, and I couldn’t chew my way through the duct tape to get free. Well, that and I also have been having computer problems. The problems are a result of the fact that Microsoft makes crappy technology.

Also, for those of you who don’t know, I recently changed jobs, so that has taken a lot of my creative energy. Trying to learn this list of “Johns” – uh, I mean, new customers – has been tougher than I thought.

Really, though, my excuses for not posting a Brain Fart (this isn’t a Brain Fart; did I mention that?) are many and varied. It could be one or more than one of any number of reasons. For instance, it could be that a gaggle of baby monkeys wearing diapers were doing a war dance around the perimeter of the house in which I live. That would certainly scare any right-thinking person into a Brain Farts-less funk.

It might even be that somebody named Pappy stabbed me in the face with a two-day-old biscuit. That would surely be reason enough not to post a Brain Fart for a month or more. I mean, really, who the hell is named “Pappy” anymore?

Or what if Elvis’ corpse was somehow reanimated, walked its stinking self all the way here from Memphis, and sat on me while eating 18 White Castles and drinking a strawberry shake? If that doesn’t scream “There will be no Brain Fart this month,” then nothing does, as far as I’m concerned. (I wonder if Elvis’ remains are still fat? I’ve read that dead folks mostly just turn to goo. So maybe he’ll be like The Blob when he comes up from Memphis to sit on me and eat burgers.)

Someone, somewhere, this very moment, just thought to themselves, “This guy isn’t right.” Was it you?

Anyway, this is not a Brain Fart and hopefully you have come to understand WHY there have been no Brain Farts posted recently. And my sincere hope is that you will try to forgive me. The elephants and baby monkeys are watching, you know.

E-mail me at kgramone@aol.com. I can’t believe I got through this whole thing without mentioning evil clowns even once. Weird.