Brain Farts Brain Fart brain farts brain fart brain-fart brain-farts brainfart brainfarts LEO Louisville Eccentric Observer parody lampoon satire Louisville Kentucky Kevin Gibson kgramone@aol.com kgramone humor
Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer (LEO) from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.
Unless you're as bored as I am.
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Brain Farts: Poo Cam |
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By Kevin Gibson |
Web
cams annoy me. What is the Internet good for if not to goof off without having
to get dressed or comb your hair? Who needs that kind of pressure anyway?
Besides, I consider my home to be sacred. It is the ONE place I can go without
having to worry about the heinous nature of society or about accidentally
leaving my fly unzipped. Now I'm supposed to set up a camera so everyone can
watch me vegetate?
The closest I might ever get to a Web cam is to talk on the phone while I'm in
the bathroom. Seriously, I have a friend who makes phone calls whenever he is on
the john, because it allows him to accomplish two important tasks at once. He
recently called a friend from the bathroom and spoke to him for several minutes.
Finally, his friend asked him a question that necessitated leaving the room in
order to retrieve the answer.
So he said, "I can't answer that right now. I'm making poo."
"So am I," said his friend. "Call me later."
I'm not even sure I like the concept of instant messaging. How many times have
you logged on with a specific purpose in mind and had to deflect numerous IM
invitations from people you really aren't interested in talking to anyway?
The message is usually something brilliant like, "Whatcha doin'?"
And I want to reply: "Uh, I'm sitting here hoping and praying you are online and
will send me an instant message, thereby completing my life so I can, at long
last, kill myself like I've wanted to ever since that time you called me from
the toilet."
Of course, there's also the topic I've ranted about before in this space:
forwarded e-mails. I'm OK with someone sending me a really good, irreverent
joke, although I prefer that there are no attachments. (With all the viruses out
there, you would think people would stop this. Geez.) But I get way too many
"uplifting" e-mails for my taste. If I want to be happy, I'll drink. And how do
you tell a well-meaning friend or relative to please stop sending that CRAP
about how to appreciate each day or how you should share a smile or pet a cat or
buy a homeless person a bologna sandwich ... AAARGH. I can't even bear to think
about it.
Me, I have quite a religious family, so many of the uplifting forwards I get are
about embracing religion or finding Jesus (I didn't even know he was lost). I'm
thinking of starting my own series of e-mails filled with satanic propaganda to
forward to everyone who sends me one of those. Something like: "Hello, sinner.
It has recently come to the attention of the Prince of Darkness that you are a
hypocritical ass-wart. Have you considered embracing evil today? It's a lot more
fun, and you won't have to lie anymore."
And I have a laptop, so I can jolly well send the e-mails from the toilet if I
want.
E-mail the writer at kgramone@aol.com. But
wash your hands first.