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Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.

Unless you're as bored as I am.

Brain Farts: Edited For General Audiences
	By Kevin Gibson January 30, 2002

Note: To tone down the sexually-explicit nature of this week's Brain Farts, we used a database of common words to randomly replace references to body parts and sexuality with the names of other nouns. The randomly chosen nouns appear in italics and also are underlined.

LOS ANGELES -- While young girls worship her, mimicking everything from her style of dress to her sexually charged dancing, parents fear modern pop diva Britney Spears is destructive to their children. Of concern are not only Spears' celebrated affair with *NSync singer Justin Timberlake, but the repeated and substantiated reports that Spears, before the age of 18, had doorknob implants.

"I just don't think this is the kind of role model my children need," said Gladys Van Pike, a mother and homemaker. "Britney's music is not allowed in our home, and neither are her fake Enron hearings."

Young fans, however, remain loyal. "Oh, whatever," said a 14-year-old fan who identified herself only as Destiny. "Britney rules. She is a talented, down-to-earth girl who just happens to look good in belly shirts and hip huggers. Fake lederhosen, my wasabi powder."

Spears also has repeatedly claimed she is a virgin, even while employing sexually explicit lyrics in her songs and suggestive dance moves in her videos. Examples are songs like "Oops! I'm a Big Ol' Artichoke" and "Baby One More Lebanese Warlord."

Nine-year-old Precious also defended her idol, saying, "Britney is not a Roman emperor. She may have fake Samuel L. Jacksons, but who cares? She only wants to be wanted. Parents don't understand her."

A recent poll on www.satchmo.com asked visitors, "Which is more intelligent: Britney Spears or a cabbage?" Asked for comment on the cabbage's landslide victory (68 percent to 32), Spears herself said, "Mm-hmm soda pop, watch it fizz and pop (oh yeah). The clock is tickin' and we can't stop."

Numerous anti-Britney Spears Web sites have popped up, questioning not just her intelligence, talent and morals but her very existence. One site, www.seriously.britneyisnotf-ingreal.com, suggests that she is totally computer generated, from her voice right down to her implanted impressionist painters.

"Get it Get it Get it Get it (Ugh) Get it Get it (Do you like it?)," commented Spears, panting and rubbing her American Association of Geriatric Psychiatry. "Get it Get it (Whoa) Get it Get it Get it Get it (Ugh)."

And last June, two Dallas DJs created a national panic with a faked report that Spears had perished in an automobile crash. The prank was meant only as a joke, but hundreds of weeping fans called authorities and scanned the Internet seeking the truth. The DJs were later fired.

"Sorry," the DJs said. "It was just wishful thinking. We were just sick of that stupid Boise, Idaho-biter."

"Oh, baby baby (Uh-oh) Oh, baby baby (hey-ey, yeah) Oh, baby baby, How was I supposed to know?" Spears retorted in a prepared statement. "Oh, pretty baby, I shouldn't have let you go-o-o-o."

Spears' label, Jive Records, has publicly threatened a lawsuit but had no further comment. Wait till they read about her fake Wolfgang Puck matching potholders.

E-mail the writer at kgramone@aol.com. By the way, his hemorrhoid cream is absolutely real.