Brain Farts Brain Fart brain farts brain fart brain-fart brain-farts brainfart brainfarts LEO Louisville Eccentric Observer parody lampoon satire Louisville Kentucky Kevin Gibson kgramone@aol.com  kgramone humor

Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer (LEO) from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.

Unless you're as bored as I am.

Brain Farts: Yelling at No One
	By Kevin Gibson July 11, 2001

Wait! What the heck are we doing? Did you know that, as of 1997, national installment credit debt had grown to more than 1 TRILLION dollars? Is it pathetic that other developed countries make fun of us for racking up credit card debt for no reason? Do we really HAVE to have that hot tub? Do we NEED a new car every two years? Why do we HAVE to spend more than we make? WHY?

Don’t turn that page; I’m not finished yet!

Why is marijuana illegal when you can buy alcohol at a freakin’ CONVENIENCE store? Excuse me? And just why is alcohol so ingrained in our society anyway? When we take a bottle of wine to a dinner party, are we telling our hosts we hope their livers rot away? “And here, Charles, just to get the process started ...”

And what about all the drinking and driving? Sure, alcohol tastes great, provides a great buzz and comes in neat containers, but GEEZ. Did you know that 16,000 people die every year in alcohol-related crashes? If we’re going to keep alcohol legal, then we should outlaw CARS, OK?

Hey, I’m NOT finished!

At a spring art auction, some idiot paid $29,900 for a piece of contemporary art. I don’t know the name of it, but it could have been called “Styrofoam cup with dead ladybug.” You know why? Because that’s what it was. A Styrofoam cup WITH A DEAD LADYBUG IN IT.

MY GOD, is this what it has come to? Sure, avant-garde art is by nature offbeat and unpractical, but we don’t necessarily have to BUY it. Someone else paid a quarter of a million bucks for a shelf filled with JARS OF COW INNARDS. Hello, but you can get cow innards at the SUPERMARKET. They’re called chitterlings. It’s NOT art.

Where do you think you’re going? READ!

Why isn’t anyone happy any more? Why is everyone so selfish? And why don’t you jerks use your turn signals (you KNOW who you are)?

And why do so few people say “hi” when you pass them on the sidewalk. I try to say “hi” to everyone, if only to help them have a better day. If they don’t reciprocate, I just scream at them until they flee.

I don’t mean to sound like an old soft drink commercial, but wouldn’t it be great if the whole world really could sing in perfect harmony? The sound would be deafening, but at least no one would be smacking their kids, driving like an a-hole or cheating on their spouse for that moment. And wouldn’t it be fun to REALLY buy the whole world a Coke?

On second thought, caffeine is bad for you, too. And if you bought ONE total stranger, let alone 5 or 6 billion, a soft drink without an apparent reason, you’d be labeled a stalker or a social pervert and hit with a storm of restraining orders that would pummel you into oblivion.

Then again, what do I know?

Contact the writer at kgramone@aol.com. GEEZ.