Brain Farts Brain Fart brain farts brain fart brain-fart brain-farts brainfart brainfarts LEO Louisville Eccentric Observer parody lampoon satire Louisville Kentucky Kevin Gibson kgramone@aol.com  kgramone humor

Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer (LEO) from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.

Unless you're as bored as I am.

Thanks to the brilliant Parry Gripp, I recently learned there are books in print that allege pirates regularly practiced sodomy with one another during the late 17th Century. One of the books is called Sodomy and the Pirate Tradition, while another is called Rum, Sodomy and the Lash: Piracy, Sexuality and Masculine Identity.

The books argue that pirates built an autonomous homosocial order at sea, and that some of them actually decided to become pirates after being brutalized by naval sea captains. Some accounts of abuse to cabin boys would indicate that fleeing the situation to live the life of a pirate would be an attractive alternative. So what happens when a bunch of guys get together on a boat with lots of rum on board and no women in sight? It is the love that dare not speak its name.

Needless to say, I found this all a little disillusioning, having grown up seeing pirates as swashbuckling anti-heroes that lived lives of derring do, testosterone-laced adventure and making women swoon in spite of questionable hygiene. But apparently there is at least some measure of circumstantial evidence to support this theory of pirates as lavishly festooned butt-buddies on the high seas.

One review of Sodomy and the Pirate Tradition included this passage: “[The book] describes how most if not all of the pirates and buccaneers who sailed the Caribbean from 1650 to 1700 had sex with each other. Homosexual behavior was rarely condemned in the West Indies or Great Britain during that century, when most of the pirates were growing up. By the early 1800s, the party was over and sailors were being executed for the crime of loving another man — or at least having sex with him.”

I mentioned this odd book to my boss, who is always interested in hearing new and strange theories. It ended up being a bit of a revelation for him. “When I took the grandkids to Disney World last year and we rode Pirates of the Caribbean,” he said, “I kept thinking I saw two pirates getting a little too close over in the corner, and I was thinking, ‘What the hell?’”

Now he knows.

But all I’m left with are questions -- questions that probably will never be answered to my satisfaction. Such as:

• What was Captain Hook’s true interest in Peter Pan? What did those boys do while they were “lost”? Was there something more symbolic about the character “Tinkerbell” than we ever imagined?

• Is Johnny Depp’s character in the film “Pirates of the Caribbean” hiding something?

• Why did pirates walk around saying “Aaaarr”? This kind of puts a new spin on the source of that sound, doesn’t it?

• Is the phrase “shiver me timbers” euphemistic? (Note: It apparently is similar in meaning to “blow me down.” Ewww.)

• Is this why Pittsburgh’s baseball team is so bad?

• Is this where the term “butt pirate” originated?

• What are we to make of terms like “poop deck”?

• Why was the captain’s attendant sometimes called the “cockswain”?

• Why was treasure called “booty?”

• How nervous must those parrots have been?

• Jolly Roger?? Hello???

I think you can understand my concern here. I’m just glad I didn’t go ahead and buy that pirate costume for Halloween. Kind of makes me glad I didn’t join a fraternity too.

Or the Navy.

Contact the writer at kgramone@aol.com. So just what the hell went on inside Davy Jones’ locker, anyway?