Brain Farts Brain Fart brain farts brain fart brain-fart brain-farts brainfart brainfarts LEO Louisville Eccentric Observer parody lampoon satire Louisville Kentucky Kevin Gibson kgramone@aol.com kgramone humor
Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer (LEO) from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.
Unless you're as bored as I am.
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Brain Farts: My Quest For Reality |
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By Kevin Gibson |
I set out one day to find reality. I decided to ask everyone I met along the way, because I was sure someone knew where or what it was.
I came upon a lady, probably in her early 40s, who was cooing into a baby carriage.
"Do you know what reality is or where I can find it?" I said. She told me that reality is love, like the love a mother has for her child.
"Nothing else matters," she said, still smiling into the carriage. The honesty of her emotions warmed me. I asked if I could see her beautiful child. She smiled and nodded.
But when I looked into the carriage it was empty.
The next person I met was an elderly man. He was dirty, with hard grimy hands, the hands of a man who did a lot of hard work many years before. He was dressed in a brown suit, with dusty brown shoes and a dirty black fedora. I asked him if he could tell me where to find reality.
"No time, son," he said. "My limo is going to pick me up any second, and I have several very important meetings to attend."
"But sir, I -"
"Sorry, just can't help," he said, then pulled up his left sleeve and peered into a dirty left wrist. "I'm late! I'd better walk." And he strode off down the street, glancing at his wrist every few seconds.
Soon I met a tan man in a white suit, with slicked-back hair and dark glasses. I asked him if he knew what and where reality was.
"I didn't know reality until I found God, my friend," the man said, clapping me on the back so hard it nearly stole my breath. "Find God and believe His word, and you will be eternally fulfilled."
"What makes you so sure?" I said.
"Well, because my life is so blessed," he replied. "Granted, my wife left me because I cheated on her, and I lost my job for stealing money from the company I worked for, and my best friend won't speak to me because I tried to seduce his wife. But God forgives our transgressions, and as long as I continue to live by God's word, then that, my friend, is MY reality."
"God doesn't mind that you did all those things?" I said.
"His blessing is forgiveness." He smiled.
"Where are you going now?" I said.
"To church, of course. After that, I am going shopping for a new gold chain. Then I have to pick up my welfare check.
As I walked away, I realized something: There is no true reality. Reality is what you believe it is. And reality is as difficult to find as true love, happiness, faith or a really good avocado.
So I just went home and forgot the whole thing.
E-mail the writer at kgramone@aol.com. Really.