NEWS FLASH: Brangelina's Baby Craps Itself

By Kevin Gibson
July 1, 2006

CNN.com reported today that Shiloh Nouvel, the infant daughter of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, crapped all over herself today, completely ruining her diaper, in an event that some are calling “a miraculous development that will define the decade, if not the early 21^st century.”

I’m joking, of course, but really – how sick are you of hearing about Angelina Jolie’s baby? I mean it – this is really beginning to verge on the ridiculous. For some reason, it was huge news when she and Brad Pitt got together (which everyone seemed to forget amounted to public adultery on his part), it was bigger news when she got knocked up, and the media ultimately covered the birth like it was Watergate. They’re ACTORS. What the?

Seriously, I saw a headline in which Jolie described childbirth as terrifying. No kidding? Here’s a news flash, you self-absorbed twit: YOU ARE NOT THE FIRST WOMAN TO GO THROUGH THIS. YOU ARE NOT EXCLUSIVE TO THIS EXPERIENCE.

But the media treated this “event” like it was the second coming of Jesus H. Christ and his band of merry men or something. Here’s a sentence from a story back in January: “Friends of the superstar couple say Angelina's pregnancy bump is already starting to show but say the pair are keen to keep the happy news under wraps.”

Pregnancy bump? Kiss my ass.

Then she fell and hit her head while filming a movie, and one magazine (which interestingly carries the slogan “No. 1 for Scottish Sport”) ran a story with the headline ANGELINA BABY FEAR. Yes, it was in all caps, and the concern was that Jolie’s busy schedule might somehow jeopardize the baby. The story even quoted an ob-gyn named Dr. Steven Goldstein as saying, “She needs to listen to the ebb and flow of her body's rhythms – how she's feeling and what it's telling her.”

Angelina Baby Fear? Ebb and flow of her body’s rhythms? Kiss my ASS.

And it has also been reported that Jolie purchased the URL www.ShilohNouvelJolie-Pitt.com. You think this kid is going to be a spoiled brat? This kid is going to be Michael Jackson someday: Crazy and neurotic and so acutely aware of herself and her self-image that she will end up having 47 facelifts and will live in an orange castle on a hill and wear a mask to movie premieres. And yes, she will probably own at least one monkey.

ShilohNouvelJolie-Pitt.com? Kiss it. My ass, I mean.

Here’s another tidbit that makes me want to pour acid on Angelina Jolie’s giant head: People magazine reportedly bid $5 million for worldwide rights to the first photos of the baby, and wound up actually paying $4.1 million just for U.S. rights; Hello! Magazine paid $3.5 million for U.K. rights. We’re talking about a total of nearly $8 million for pictures of a squinchy, crapping, drooling, bald-headed baby that doesn’t even have a functional neck yet.

All together now: KISS … MY … ASS.

So don’t be surprised when the stupid kid pukes up its whipped spinach and the whole world reads about it. Apparently, this is all merely to remind us that even though our kids did all the same things, it really didn’t count, and that we aren’t really even fit to be on the same planet with these cultural deities.

I think you know what I say to that.

E-mail me at kgramone@aol.com. My baby does the hanky-panky. Bet Angelina’s doesn’t.