Give Capitalist Pigs a Chance

By Kevin Gibson
July 8, 2006

You’ve probably received or heard about the e-mail circulating through the Internet that shows “angry Muslims” protesting in Europe after caricatures depicting the prophet Muhammad were published in a Danish newspaper – the uproar was dubbed the “cartoon controversy.” (Any visual portrayal of Muhammad is forbidden by the Islam religion, so stands to reason they were plenty steamed.)

Anyway, the e-mail reads: "Below are actual pictures of Muslims who marched in the streets of London during their recent Religion of Peace Demonstration. ... These photos have never been shown in any American newspapers or television news programs because we want to be careful not to offend the Muslims."

After doing a Google search, I indeed couldn’t find any ready example to counter the assertion that the photos are authentic, and that U.S. media didn’t publish them. The suggestion here is, however, that the American media is overly fearful or politically correct and is doing us a disservice by not sharing these photos. Is the U.S. media trying to keep us in the dark? What is the motivation? Did George W. Bush’s elves stop making bombs in their Washington, D.C., workshop for a few minutes to put the clamps on the media?

Whatever the case, I have little use for such propaganda -- although the signs and messages displayed in the photos are, admittedly, quite disturbing. The signs say things like, “Islam Will Dominate the World,” “Butcher Those Who Mock Islam,” “Freedom Go To Hell”  and “Europe You Will Pay, Your 9/11 is on the Way.”

That’s just mean. And it does make a capitalist pig such as myself a little uneasy. It’s a difficult and stressful time we live in, and to be honest, a religious war is the last thing I want to be part of. I have baseball games to attend and beer to consume.

But after looking at these photos, I realized that these particular people just need something to do. They need a distraction, a hobby. Then I came up with an idea that might distract such European and Middle Eastern Muslims from their anger, from their hatred of the United States and from capitalism in general: Let’s invite them to LIVE here!

“What?” you are probably asking right now, head cocked in disbelief as you stare into and try to converse with a computer screen that can’t hear you. “Bring insane and angry religious zealots who hate our country to LIVE here? HERE?? In the land of the free and the home of the brave?”

Yes, and here’s why: My theory is that these angry folks will first be distracted by, and will ultimately become slowly but surely ingrained in, our culture. Before long, they will begin to forget their hatred toward capitalist pigs like you and me and will become passionate about other things besides Islam. Slowly, their animosity towards us will drift away and will be replaced with, for instance, a deep concern over who will qualify for next year’s American Idol finals.

Theoretically, we might be able to see miraculous transitions like:

This man clearly is stressed about religion and world politics.	Whereas THIS man simply wants Star Jones back on ABC's "The View."
Here is someone who is desperate, even violent about his religious beliefs.	And here is someone who only wants to ensure that the legend of NASCAR hero Dale Ernhardt is preserved.
Clearly, this is an angry person who has not experienced freedom the American way.	And here we have someone who owns a pickup truck, chews Red Man, and goes to Clay Aiken concerts. Which one do you want as a neighbor?
This person has issued a borderline threat to his European neighbors.	And THIS person only hopes to somehow make himself relevant by being acknowledged by his favorite celebrity goddess.
Again with the threats. Why go so far, when peace is attainable through capitalism?	This man has finally seen it OUR way and won't be causing any more problems!

See? My point is that if we bring angry religious zealots who detest American capitalist dogs HERE, it will be far easier for us to force our way of life upon them – from Democracy to capitalism to obesity to corporate buzz-speak to reality television to the bizarre, two-headed media deity we affectionately call Brangelina. Hell, even Christianity, if you think about it.

Right now all we’re doing is pissing them off by meddling in and around their holy land; but America is the salve that soothes the savage beast. If we make them all as dumb, complacent, overweight and narrow-minded as we are, we win! Heck, everybody wins! Why didn’t George W. Bush think of this?

That’s it: Brain Farts For President!

E-mail me at kgramone@aol.com. Oh, good grief, I’m only kidding.