And I Hate P.R. Pukes, Too

By Kevin Gibson
June 24, 2006

The Center for Science in the Public Interest (what a stupid name) recently filed a class-action lawsuit in D.C. Superior Court against Yum! Brands/KFC for using partially hydrogenated oil to cook its chicken, something which CSPI has described as a "chemically altered, trans-fat-laden oil that kills roughly 50,000 Americans per year."

Despite the fact that any idiot should know eating food that is breaded and deep-fried in a vat of oil is probably unhealthy, CSPI somehow thinks of itself as the food police and wants fried chicken regulated. Come on.

But here’s something even dumber: When contacted for a comment on the lawsuit, some public relations puke over at Yum! responded with possibly the most bloated and insulting “statement” I believe I’ve ever heard. Here it is:

“Colonel Sanders created KFC’s Original Recipe chicken over 50 years ago, and we’ve been cooking it the Colonel’s way ever since so that it’s finger lickin’ good.  We’ve tested oils that are trans-fat free, but we haven’t found a recipe yet that’s as delicious as our world-famous Original Recipe.  We are extremely careful about tampering with the taste of America’s favorite fried chicken, and we will continue to take that very seriously as we explore oil alternatives and supply availability."

This is a response to a (granted, frivolous) lawsuit, sent to a member of the trade media. And it contains no fewer than five commercials: “KFC’s Original Recipe chicken;” “cooking it the Colonel’s way;” “finger lickin’ good;” “delicious as our world-famous Original Recipe,” and “America’s favorite fried chicken.”

I mean, gimme a break. How does this pretentious turd sleep at night? And why would any company actually condone being represented this way to the media? Does Yum! Brands really think we are so stupid that we can’t see through that garbage?

It all makes me stop and wonder what’s next. Product placements in Presidential speeches, perhaps? I think this would be hilarious: President Bush steps up to the podium to make his annual state of the union address and starts spewing adspeak:

“My fellow Americans, each year we meet here to discuss the state of the union, and each year we’re treated to wonderful refreshments provided by Mark’s Feed Store. Mark’s Feed Store: Friendly Folks Serving Famous Food! ™ (Wipes sauce off side of mouth for effect.)

“Our country is in a time of great consequence. But we will work for a prosperity that is broadly shared, and we will answer every danger and every enemy that threatens the American people. We will keep our feet firmly gripping the ground, like a set of well-made radials. And we will most certainly buy those radials at Big O. Big O: Changing the Way People Buy Tires™. (Applause.)

“In a whirlwind of change and hope and peril, our faith is sure, our resolve is firm, and our union is strong. It is time for us, as a nation, to Think Outside the Bun™. (Applause.)

“This country has many challenges. We will not deny, we will not ignore, we will not pass along our problems to other administrations and other generations. Like a pair of brand new Nike sneakers, we will Just Do It™. (Applause.)

“During the last two years, we have seen what can be accomplished when we work together. To protect our country, we reorganized our government and created the Department of Homeland Security. (Applause.) To bring our economy out of recession, we delivered the largest tax relief in a generation. (Applause.) To make sure no one ever goes hungry, we saw the creation of the McDonald’s Dollar Menu – Turn Your Dollar Into Something Tasty™. (Applause.)

“Americans have faith in our country. We are a people who will overcome any obstacles, any boundaries, and any pains we might encounter. And we will use Advil, Because Advil Works on All Our Pains™. (Applause.) Thank you, and may God continue to bless the United States of America. That’s God: The Only Deity You Know Of™. (Extended applause.)”

And now I learn that Taco John’s, a Mexican food chain that is big in the Northwest, has extended its advertising campaign to include extra monkeys. Seriously. Here’s the first paragraph of a press release the Taco John’s PR schmucks sent out recently:

“It’s always intriguing to watch Whiplash the Cowboy Monkey ride across the countryside to rescue a Taco John’s customer or seek out the latest menu favorite.  But imagine the scene with three cowboy monkeys. For the most recent Taco John’s campaign, Whiplash has gathered some friends for a saddle-slapping ride to pick up their favorite burritos at Taco John’s.”

Whiplash the Cowboy Monkey? Saddle-slapping? I swear this is from an actual press release. And they actually pay people to make this crap up. So I ask: Why in the hell can’t I get paid for Brain Farts?

E-mail me at kgramone@aol.com. Bring your cowboy monkey. All three of the little bastards.