The Stupid Bomb (or, Make Love Not War)

By Kevin Gibson
June 12, 2007

Well, it’s official – the United States military has come out of the closet and admitted it was planning to build something called “The Gay Bomb,” a chemical weapon that could theoretically turn enemy soldiers into homosexuals and make them more interested in having sex with each other than in fighting.

The modest funding request the Air Force reportedly made to develop this love machine: $7.5 million. Your tax dollars at work, people. (And don’t blame George W. Bush – this was done during Clinton’s administration.)

Still, aside from putting a whole new spin on the phrase “Make love not war,” this goes a great distance in illustrating how absolutely, positively dog’s-ass stupid our government leaders can often be. When power meets ignorance at this level, this is what happens.

No wonder other countries hate us.

Naturally, the government isn’t going to reveal much on this topic (even though a government official did acknowledge the project did exist), but numerous news organizations have reported the story, citing Edward Hammond of Berkeley's Sunshine Project, who reportedly used the Freedom of Information Act to obtain a copy of the Gay Bomb proposal from the Air Force's Wright Laboratory in Dayton, Ohio.

“The Ohio Air Force lab proposed that a bomb be developed that contained a chemical that would cause enemy soldiers to become gay,” Hammond was quoted as saying, “and to have their units break down because all their soldiers became irresistably attractive to one another.” (Heh-heh, heh heh, he said "units.")

I’m sorry, but the assumptions a project like this makes are just off-the-charts idiotic. With all the data correlating sexual orientation and genetics, does this bomb suddenly qualify as some sort of DNA-mutating warfare strategy? Didn’t the Hague Conventions sort of nix this idea before it started? I’m positive one of the components of the first Hague treaty was, “At no time will any country compel enemy soldiers to make out with each other during combat.”

What’s sad is that anyone with at least one functioning brain cell could even make the assumption that, if they did somehow manage to turn an entire fighting brigade into homosexuals, that they would simply drop their weapons and start having a man-on-man orgy right there on the battlefield. Helmets flying off, bullet-proof vests being torn asunder in throes of passion. It staggers the imagination. “Oh, Brigadier General Swanson, you fill me, you make me feel like a man!” These people are soldiers, for crying out loud. What, the government is so shallow and idiotic that they think homosexuals are so narrowly focused on butt-sex that they will simply stop doing their jobs?

Actually, this all just sounds like a premise for a really bad porn film, if you ask me. Imagine all the homo-erotic potential in a phrase like, “When in doubt, empty the magazine.” And imagine the scramble of sex-crazed gay men when the star of the movie yells, “Incoming!”

Seriously, what I think this points to is that sometime in the past, terrorists hit the Pentagon with a top-secret weapon called The Stupid Bomb, which immediately converted the highest military and government leaders into drooling, narrow-minded imbeciles. If the American government wants the whole world made over in its image, maybe it should develop that bomb.

E-mail me at kgramone@aol.com. And remember: love is a battlefield.

(Check out the news story online: http://news.google.com/news?hl=en&ned=us&q=gay+bomb)