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Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.

Unless you're as bored as I am.

In a prepared statement, God said today that, had He been on the jury, Michael Jackson’s “little candy ass” would have “fried.”

He said this in response to Jackson’s recent acquittal on child molestation charges in Santa Barbara (California) District Court. Jackson had been accused of molesting a 13-year-old cancer survivor who stayed at his Neverland Ranch; Jackson denied the charges, claiming the boy’s family was simply after financial gain.

The acquittal was met with a joyous reception from Jackson, his attorneys and the aggressively stupid die-hard fans of the bizarre-looking and more-than-a-little-narcissistic King of Pop.

''It's victory,'' said Jackson fan Tracee Raynaud, 39. ''God is alive and well.''

To this, God responded, “Believe me when I say that I had nothing to do with Michael Jackson’s acquittal. To be honest, I had little to do with even making the freak in the first place, except for the whole creation of life and the universe thing. I mean, look at him. Would I create something like THAT on purpose? I think not. And had I been on the jury, I would have fried his little candy ass.”

While some critics of Jackson have alleged that perhaps God was merely exercising His sometimes offbeat sense of humor by creating the ever-changing pop star – whose face has gone from childlike to barely humanoid over the course of the last 20 years – the Creator explicitly stated in His press release that Jackson was no practical joke born out of boredom from sitting around in heaven with nothing to do but make the occasional miracle or start a holy war or two.

“I’ve even heard it said that I created that mess [Jackson] to balance out the good thing I did when I created the Beatles,” He said. “I’ve heard some say that I created him as a practical joke. But Michael Jackson is no joking matter to me. I’m serious, stop saying that shit. Don’t even piss me off.”

Apparently, the jury that acquitted Jackson doesn’t find it funny either. ''We would hope first of all that he doesn't sleep with children anymore and that he learns that they have to stay with their families or stay in the guest rooms or the houses or whatever they're called down there [at Neverland],'' jury foreman Paul Rodriguez said. ''And he just has to be careful how he conducts himself around children.''

Jackson’s attorney said the day after the trial ended that Jackson would no longer allow children in his bed. After being told of that announcement, God commented, “Gee, thanks, Mike. What a f***ing saint you are. I mean, Christ. Oops, sorry.”

''He's not going to do that because it makes him vulnerable to false charges,'' attorney Thomas Mesereau Jr. clarified.

To which God responded, “False charges, huh? Well, I’ll tell you what. I wouldn’t feel safe sleeping in the same bed with that freak show. And I ain’t no 13-year-old, you know what I mean? Damn pervert.”

Reached by phone for his comments on the acquittal, Satan simply cackled menacingly and hung up.

Contact the writer at kgramone@aol.com. Yeah, yeah, I’m going to hell. Whatever.