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Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer (LEO) from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.

Unless you're as bored as I am.

Brain Farts: Advertising Agencies Are Stupid
	By Kevin Gibson June 14, 2006

Because I work in marketing, I am sometimes forced to interact with advertising agencies. If you have never had this dishonor forced upon you as I have, rest assured that one thing is absolutely true: Most advertising agencies are run by, and made up of, maddeningly self-absorbed, shallow, manipulative people, the likes of which you could scarcely imagine without actually experiencing them firsthand.

Oh, there are exceptions, and I know several. But the level of unbridled narcissism in the typical advertising agency – especially the larger, more successful ones, it seems -- might be surpassed only by that on a professional sports team or by that of my second wife.

For fun (and meanness), I decided to visit the websites and/or promotional listings for some advertising agencies around the U.S. and share some of the insipid garbage they put forth as a means of recruiting clients or otherwise justifying their pathetic existences in society. I trust that, soon, you will hate them as much as I do.

“There is an energy, an intensity and a certain rhapsody that we strive to capture in everything we do.” –Adrenaline Inc., Atlanta. (Rhapsody? Yes, every company needs a good musical composition of irregular form having an improvisatory character. I know mine does.)
“Forget all the adspeak. … RDW Group follows a simple approach: 1) THINK -- It all begins with informed planning. 2) WORK -- Without flawless execution, a brilliant plan is useless. 3) WIN -- That's why you hired an agency, right?” –RDW Group, Boston. (Well, thank goodness they’re not trying to blind us with adspeak.)
“Know the customer. Drive sales. Create fierce brand loyalty. Let CBD put you ahead of the pack. Call for free consultation.” –Colman Brohan Davis, Chicago. (Straight. To the point. Intermittent. How long. Can this gimmick. Really work?)
“Why just advertise when your business can Roar? Click our link. Find out about ‘The Little Agency That Roars!’” –Fasone Garrett Boehm, Kansas City. (Ah yes, a mixed metaphor employing elements from The Little Engine That Could and The Mouse That Roared, in order to establish the image of a defiant underdog that always beats the odds. How very insipid of them.)
“Strategies that compel lead to creative that sells.” –M/C/C, Dallas. (Like with poetry, if the value proposition of a company rhymes, that is your cue to run like hell.)
“Just as an X-ray machine enables physicians to see through tissue in order to make an exact diagnosis so, too, X-RAY MARKETING™ enables Greenfrog & Associates to meet even the most difficult marketing challenges.” –Greenfrog & Associates, Coral Gables, Fla. (In other words, Greenfrog & Associates will force you to wear a gown that ties in the back and doesn’t fit – with no underwear, mind you – and will then desecrate your bones and charge you $150 a goddamned hour for your trouble. They even thought that stupid concept was good enough to trademark. Moronic parasites.)
“Duncan/Day is a full-service, women-owned agency in business since 1986.” – Duncan/Day, Dallas. (Unfortunately, one week out of every month the service sucks.)
“Imagination has no limits.” –Signature Communications, Philadelphia. (Translation: Our ability to come up with overpriced, meaningless buzz phrases has no limits.)
“We believe in producing ‘Work That Works.’” –Kuhn & Whittenborn Advertising, Kansas City. (I stand, mouth agape, in the holy light shed by your awe-inspiring ability to say absolutely nothing of relevance. Vermin.)
“Brand Fusion. Ooooh. Total Immersion. Yessss. Our ad lingo can compete with anything you'll find on Madison Ave. … Imagine working with your present ad agency. Now imagine you're enjoying it. That's Agency Creative.” –Agency Creative, Dallas. (Imagine a bunch of pretentious, vapid, narcissistic cretins wearing khaki chinos. Now imagine bludgeoning them all to death with a spiked horse femur.)

I need to take a deep breath now. Really, I’ll be better soon. Besides, I may want one of these agencies to hire me someday, so I should probably stick to writing about clowns and poop.

E-mail me at kgramone@aol.com. The marketing buzz phrase of the day is, “Brain Farts Marketing: Other Agencies Can Bloody Well Lick Our Sideburns.”

OTHER RECENT BRAIN FARTS:

June 4, 2006: Psycho Clowns, Trade Shows and Porn Stars

April 21, 2006: Rubber-necking For Fun and Profit

March 31, 2006: Blood and Vomit in the U.K.

March 2, 2006: Of Mutant Mice and Medical Researchers With Too Much Time On Their Hands

Feb. 11, 2006: Brain Farts Press Release -- You Suck

Jan. 16, 2006: This is Not a Brain Fart

Dec. 16, 2005: Satan's Stocking Stuffers, Episode II

Nov. 29, 2005: Approve This

Nov. 18, 2005: Pooped

Nov. 8, 2005: Kirk Herbstreit is a Deity (And I Feel Fine)