bush approval rating Brain Farts Brain Fart brain farts brain fart brain-fart brain-farts brainfart brainfarts LEO Louisville Eccentric Observer parody lampoon satire Louisville Kentucky Kevin Gibson kgramone@aol.com kgramone humor cat's ass fart anna kournikova zeitgeist bush approval rating
Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.
Unless you're as bored as I am.
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Brain Farts: Good Riddance |
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By Kevin Gibson |
For Timothy McVeigh. Rest in pieces.
Tommy was a pathetic little mouse of a boy. No one liked him. He liked no one; the high school bullies, his teachers and the principal were atop his hate list. Sure, the bullies probably should have left him alone, but that's life. No one believed he'd ever retaliate.
Until the day he blew up the elementary school down the street.
That was perplexing, because all the bullies were in the high school with him at the time. The teachers he hated were there, too. So the detective who interrogated him in the wake of the blast - which killed half the kids in the school - asked him if he had any remorse for all the children he'd eliminated.
"They are collateral damage," he told the detective. The detective smacked Tommy hard in the face.
"You mean you have no remorse?"
"I'm sorry those people had to lose their lives," Tommy said, "but it was a legit tactic."
The detective hit him a little harder this time. "But what did you think you were going to accomplish by blowing up an elementary school?"
Tommy explained that he didn't fit in. No one would accept him for what he was. He was tired of being bullied, and tired of taking orders from teachers and the principal. Tommy said he had to get the bullies off his back.
"Once you bloody the bully's nose, and he knows he's going to be punched again, he's not coming back around," he told the detective
The detective stared at him for a moment. "So you blew up an elementary school? Where the hell is the logic in that?"
"I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul," Tommy said. "My head is bloody, but unbowed."
"What?" The detective shook his head, hit Tommy in the face with his closed fist one last time, and told the officers to take him away.
Several years later, at Tommy's execution, he was asked if he had any last words.
"I knew I wanted this before it happened," Tommy replied. "This world just doesn't hold anything for me."
The warden told him he was a soulless idiot who had no right to be on this earth with other humans. "To hell with you," the warden said.
"If I am going to hell," Tommy said, "I'm gonna have a lot of company."
The warden balled up his fist and hit Tommy hard in the face. He looked deeply into Tommy's eyes and saw that no matter how many times you hit him or tried to reason with him, he still wasn't going to get it.
"Killing this kid won't accomplish a thing," the warden said. Then he sighed. "But fry him anyway."
So Tommy died. No one felt any better, but at least the jerk was gone.
E-mail the writer at kgramone@aol.com. He doesn't like bullies either. But he never blew up a building because of it.