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Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.

Unless you're as bored as I am.

Brain Farts: Dumb and Dumber
	By Kevin Gibson June 26, 2002

As some of you may know, I have two dogs. The boy is Asa, and the girl is Sweetie. (I didn’t give her that name, I swear — she had it before my fiancee, Leah, and I adopted her. I wanted to call her Bizarro Conway Twitty.)

They’re dumb. I mean, really dumb. If Asa was a human, they’d have to put him someplace special, because there is no way he could function in society. If Sweetie were a human, they’d have to put her in prison, because sometimes I think she is evil itself. I’ve been checking her daily for the numbers 666. I haven’t located them yet, but I will. It’s just a matter of time.

Leah doesn’t know this yet, but as dumb as those dogs are, they are still smart enough to control us. We live in a condo, and every time our neighbor leaves or comes home, or speaks or sneezes or hiccups, our dogs go insane and bark for 43 minutes. How do we get them to shut up? By either playing with them or giving them food.

Their control is systematic, and Sweetie is the leader, or "alpha bitch," as we call her. I imagine it originally went something like this ...

Asa: “Derrr, I’m hungry.”

Sweetie: “Me, too. Let’s get some food.”

Asa: “Duh, but how, Bizarro Conway Twitty?”

Sweetie: “Idiot! He was kidding about that name. Shut up and listen. Remember the other day when you stood up on your hind legs because you thought the light in the kitchen was Liam Neeson?”

Asa: “Duh ...”

Sweetie: “The female, or 'alpha bitch' as we call her, gave you a treat, remember? These humans are so stupid that all you have to do is act ‘cute,’ and you get food. Understand?”

Asa: “Duuuhhh ...”

Sweetie: “Look! Up there on the ceiling! Isn’t that Liam Neeson??”

Now, suddenly, all they have to do is NOT urinate on our carpeting and they get treats. Even the idiot Asa is beginning to understand how to control us. Whenever we play with the tennis ball, if he ends up with it, I chase him around the condo. He gleefully runs from me in what appears on the surface to be an innocent game of keep-away. But I noticed yesterday that after a chase he looked at Sweetie with bemusement, as if to say, “Gee, why DOES he want this ball so much? It’s just a TENNIS BALL, for gosh sakes.”

And Leah swears Sweetie wants her dead. If she merely touches that dog, sometimes Sweetie growls. She believes Sweetie has some unnatural reverse Oedipus complex for me and that Sweetie wants her out of the way. Leah has been sleeping in her car a lot lately.

Well, we’re not going to put up with it anymore. The next time Sweetie growls, Leah will scold her. The next time they don’t urinate on the carpeting, we will ignore them. And the next time Asa the Idiot stands up on his hind legs ... wait, that DOES look a little like Liam Neeson ...

Contact the writer at kgramone@aol.com. Did you guys see “Schindler’s List”?