Brain Farts Brain Fart brain farts brain fart brain-fart brain-farts brainfart brainfarts LEO Louisville Eccentric Observer parody lampoon satire Louisville Kentucky Kevin Gibson kgramone@aol.com kgramone humor
Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer (LEO) from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.
Unless you're as bored as I am.
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Brain Farts: Write Your Own Brain Fart |
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By Kevin Gibson |
Recently, I have been inundated with e-mails from people who wish that they, too, could have a column called "Brain Farts."
OK, that's a lie. It's all a twisted fantasy brought about by my repressed feelings of disconnection and inferiority. But for those of you who really have dreamed of writing your own Brain Fart, here are some opening paragraphs to get you started:
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In a landmark decision today, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that, in the future, no U.S. Supreme Court ruling shall ever be referred to as "a landmark decision." This according to a report published in The New York Times. ...
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Hank the Dwarf came to me in a dream last night, dressed in black tights and a purple cape, and said, "Son, I've made a life out of reading people's faces; knowing what the cards were by the way they held their eyes." ...
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I am really, really angry at cheese today. Seriously. Here's why ...
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Feach knew his work was cut out for him; after all, what advantage could a half fish, half peach hope to gain over a super-villain like the evil Pisstopher? But Feach knew he had to save his friend, Bill the Magical Deer Head, or all hope would be lost. All hope would be lost ...
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In a press release today, God admitted that rich sinners actually go to a "resort" hell, whereas lower- and middle-class damned souls end up in the no-frills "real" hell. "For instance, Timothy McVeigh is definitely sucking brimstone," God said, "but Richard Nixon's biggest complaint is that the milk is sour on his Frosted Flakes. Mind you, spoiled milk can be pretty annoying after a while." ...
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I think overweight people should pay less rent. Sure, they take up more space on Earth, but they have less room in their apartments.
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I never thought this would happen to me, but the other day when I was mowing the grass without a shirt, a set of beautiful blond twin sisters walked into my yard and asked me if I wanted to ... wait, that's not a Brain Fart. That's a Penthouse Forum letter. Never mind.
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Did you know I'm good friends with The Artist Formerly Known as Prince? It's true. I even helped him write a song for his Purple Rain album. We were at Baskin Robbins getting a sundae, and he said, "Should we be daring and get two cherries?" So I said, "Let's go crazy: Let's get nuts." ...
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I called myself the other day. I said, "Good evening. Is this me?" I thought I was a telemarketer, so I hung up.
Contact the writer at kgramone@aol.com. He's really not a telemarketer, you know.