bush approval rating Brain Farts Brain Fart brain farts brain fart brain-fart brain-farts brainfart brainfarts LEO Louisville Eccentric Observer parody lampoon satire Louisville Kentucky Kevin Gibson kgramone@aol.com  kgramone humor cat's ass fart anna kournikova zeitgeist  bush approval rating

Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.

Unless you're as bored as I am.

Brain Farts: Interview With a Cat
	By Kevin Gibson June 6, 2001

Recently I interviewed a cat to hear his thoughts on issues such as what it’s like to be a cat in today’s society, what cat food really tastes like and what’s up with all those goofy little cat toys. Here is what I found out ...

Brain Farts: Thank you for agreeing to this interview, Mr. Cat. I appreciate your time.

Cat: (Fur standing up on back.) Ssssssssssss! Reeeoowwr!

BF: Could you please converse in English? Most of our readers speak English as opposed to cat.

Cat: Sorry. English will be fine.

BF: I’m curious, as I know many people are, about what it’s like to be a cat.

Cat: It’s difficult at times, Mr. Gibson, as there is a definite favoritism shown to dogs in modern society. Once we leave kittenhood, many people grow tired of us and our habits.

BF: Really? Why do you think that is?

Cat: Don’t bull%#$* me. I know you’re a dog lover. Dogs are suck-ups. They kiss up to you humans like there’s no tomorrow. “Love me. Feed me. I’m sooo glad you’re home, master.” You should hear the stuff they say behind your backs.

BF: Hmm.

Cat: The truth is that individuality just isn’t tolerated in this society. It’s that pack mentality. If you aren’t of one mind with the masses, then you’re an outcast. Well, most of us cats, we’re individuals. No wonder the simple-minded dog lovers don’t “get” us. Uh, no offense.

BF: None taken. So why is it that cats have been labeled as “finicky”?

Cat: That’s all the fault of cat food manufacturers. They want to give us tuna by-products and pass it off as food. There again, dogs tend to get delicious table scraps. Our food has bones and eyeballs in it. Oooh, yum-mee. No wonder we resort to eating mice. It’s our only hope for reasonably healthy sustenance.

BF: Uh-huh. But isn’t dog food made of soybean and meat by-products?

Cat: Look, don’t go defending them to me. I will walk out on this interview in the jingle of a collar!

BF: Speaking of little bells, let me ask you this: What’s up with cat toys?

Cat: See what I’m talking about? That is blatant discrimination. I don’t see you hassling some dog about chewing up a bone from a dead animal. When’s the last time you saw a cat doing something so blatantly ghoulish? So what if we like to bounce yarn around the house? So what if we like to bat around a fake mouse with a bell in it? Huh? At least we aren’t behaving like some neo-Jeffrey Dahmer wannabe. And you don’t see us chasing cars, for crying out loud. What kind of moron chases a car?

BF: Sorry, didn’t mean to upset you. I assure you these were all innocent questions.

Cat: Well, you do what you gotta do. This interview is over. I’ve got curtains to climb and birds to mutilate.

BS: Thank you for your time, Mr. Cat.

Cat: Fascist jerk.

E-mail the writer at kgramone@aol.com. Adopt a stray today.