Brain Farts Brain Fart brain farts brain fart brain-fart brain-farts brainfart brainfarts LEO Louisville Eccentric Observer parody lampoon satire Louisville Kentucky Kevin Gibson kgramone@aol.com  kgramone humor

Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer (LEO) from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.

Unless you're as bored as I am.

Changing jobs is always an exciting and stressful event. I recently left a job that I basically hated for a number of reasons, not the least of which being the fact that I was surrounded by Bible-thumpers. Friendly people, mind you, but praying before business meetings seems a bit excessive to me. Especially given that I’m a wretched, wretched heathen who is destined to burn in eternal hellfire. If there even is such a thing.

And there was one guy there who was so evil, so passive-aggressive and so NOT Christian like that ... well, let's just say I'm thinking really UN-Christian thoughts about what I would enjoy doing to his big fat head. Not that I'm a Christian or anything.

But I’m settling in well in my new job. I've got a nice big office, the people are extremely friendly, and it’s close to home. I’m hoping that means my girlfriend and I can enjoy some nooners. (Mom, Dad, you probably shouldn’t read that last sentence. Thanks.) Also, there aren't many men working with me, so I can stink up the bathroom at will without any regrets.

But one thing I notice just about every time I switch jobs is that a lot of people don’t quite know how to take me and my twisted sense of humor. One of my new co-workers kindly showed me where the office supplies catalog is and told me I can request whatever supplies I need by writing down the type of item(s) along with the product code numbers. The receptionist/switchboard operator places orders once per week. Simple enough.

But because I’m a smart-ass, I said, “I’m just warning you now that I have a compulsion that makes me write down things that aren’t really in the catalog. Don’t be surprised if you get a request for butterscotch pudding cups or hubcaps for a 1972 Ford Maverick.”

Nervous laughter was followed by a general milling about. They didn’t know quite how to respond. But that’s pretty tame stuff, by comparison.

I have a buddy from my last job named Fred who made working in that hell-hole almost bearable some days. He’s one of the funniest guys I’ve ever met – and he actually appreciates my sick sense of humor. We went to Chicago together earlier this year for a trade show, and when our plane landed we both needed to make a bathroom stop. There were 15 or more other guys in the airport restroom, and Fred and I pulled up to the urinals to do our business (and as all guys tend to do, we left a one-urinal buffer). As Fred began to urinate, he started loudly moaning in relief. “Ooooooh, man. Oh man, yeah. Awwww, that feels good, oooh, yeah. UUUUUUNGH.”

Think about it – you’ve done that when you had to go particularly bad. When you’re alone, that is. But you never expect to hear someone do it in a crowded public restroom.

Well, the discomfort in that busy men’s room was palpable. A couple of guys looked nervously at each other, but for the most part there was just Fred’s moaning and a death-like silence. Except for me. I nearly peed all over myself from laughing. I couldn’t stop. And I mean, I was laughing out loud. You know that at least a dozen of those guys have likely told and re-told that story to anyone who will listen. I can’t even imagine what that must have been like from their perspective.

“Honey, the weirdest thing happened in the airport men’s room this afternoon …”

Anyway, that has very little to do with work, but it has a lot to do with being yourself. I’ve been at my new job just a few days, but I’ve not hesitated to be myself. So far, it’s worked, because in spite of my weirdness everyone is still being friendly and helpful.

Now, if I can just figure out how to get Fred a job where I work, we’ll both be set.

E-mail me at kgramone@aol.com. By the way, is it just me, or does it feel weird to walk into a fast-food restaurant, look at the value meal menu and say, "Man, No. 2 sure does sound good right now. I'd love to eat your No. 2." Yuck. And for god's sake, don't biggie size it.