Brain Farts Brain Fart brain farts brain fart brain-fart brain-farts brainfart brainfarts LEO Louisville Eccentric Observer parody lampoon satire Louisville Kentucky Kevin Gibson kgramone@aol.com kgramone humor
Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer (LEO) from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.
Unless you're as bored as I am.
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Brain Farts: The Gift of Prophecy? |
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By Kevin Gibson |
Editor's Note: This Brain Fart was written several weeks ago, just days before
Fox announced its "Celebrity Boxing" program. Really. We swear. Or at least
that's what Mr. Gibson tells us.
I have had enough of this so-called "reality television." I'm telling you,
"Temptation Island" may be even more torturous to watch than "Fantasy Island,"
if that's possible. Now we have things like, "When Doormen Attack" and "World's
Least Necessary Police Shootings" (although, admittedly, Louisville could get a
lot of air time on this one).
Whatever the case, I still haven't forgiven "Survivor" for getting it all
started.
I think some enterprising network like WBN should develop a spoof of MTV's
"Celebrity Death Match" -- something like "Celebrity Night at the Fights," in
which actual washed-up celebrities (I'm sure the folks on "Hollywood Squares"
could use the extra income) square off in the ring.
Think of the possibilities -- Cheryl Ladd vs. Shelley Hack in the battle to see
who was the best "Charlie's Angels" replacement (Tanya Roberts takes the
winner); or Todd "Diff'rent Strokes" Bridges vs. Danny "Partridge Family"
Bonaduce for the crown of "Most Screwed Up Child TV Star Not Currently in
Prison."
Maybe we could do a local version and pair Sean Garrison and Carl Brown for "LEO
Columnist Most Likely to Go on a Shooting Rampage," or put Tracy Edmonds and me
in the ring to decide which of us is the tougher of the "LEO Columnists With the
Least to Say." (My money is on Tracy; I bet she fights dirty.)
Better yet, we could put Barry Bingham Jr. in the ring against the Fund for the
Arts' Allan Cowen. It wouldn't be much of a fight because I doubt Cowen has ever
even BEEN in a fight, but it would still be fun to watch. Of course, if the Fund
board were the judges, Cowen would probably win if it came down to a decision.
On a national level, once we find Osama bin Laden, we could put him and Mr. Axis
of Evil himself, George W. Bush, into the ring. I'm betting it would be like a
catfight -- lots of scratching, biting and hair pulling. Or we could pit Laura
Bush against a handful of bin Laden's wives.
But the funniest thing would be to put "Skategate" freak show Tonya Harding in
the ring with the notorious Long Island Lolita, Amy Fisher. THERE'S a battle of
madam miscreants for you. Or maybe it could be Tonya versus Monica Lewinsky or
one of the other floozies our ex-president didn't have "sexual relations" with.
We could have them fight naked, then Penthouse can publish the stills.
Of course, this idea will never happen. Here's why: It is such a ridiculously
stupid concept that even a pathetic network like Fox wouldn't touch it. Would
they? Naaaah. And even if they did, even our sad, Jerry Springer-worshiping
society wouldn't watch such rubbish. I wouldn't. Would you?
Contact the writer at kgramone@aol.com.
Watch out, Tracy.