bush approval rating Brain Farts Brain Fart brain farts brain fart brain-fart brain-farts brainfart brainfarts LEO Louisville Eccentric Observer parody lampoon satire Louisville Kentucky Kevin Gibson kgramone@aol.com kgramone humor cat's ass fart anna kournikova zeitgeist bush approval rating
Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.
Unless you're as bored as I am.
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Brain Farts: Christmas of the Living
Dead |
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By Kevin Gibson |
I was a little nervous about Christmas, because no one in my family knew that I had died in August.
I was decomposing at an ever-increasing rate, so I not only feared that my CK1 wouldn't mask the smell of rotting flesh, but that everyone would notice my slurred speech and black tongue. I hoped they would merely assume I was drunk on blackberry wine.
When I first got there, I almost turned around and left. I remembered too late that Aunt Rose always hugs me way too hard. But soon she was upon me, and I felt the flesh sliding off my back as she squeezed. That unleashed all kinds of goo down the middle of my torso, and probably made the smell that much worse. Eyes watered, but no one said anything.
I thought my cover was blown when Justin, my 8-year-old cousin, said, "Mom, why is Kevin's face green?" Aunt Alice told him to shush, so luckily there wasn't a scene. In fact, everything went pretty well after that until the "accident," which I will get to in a moment.
I opened my gifts (grandma got me a pecan log, as if that was going to satiate my craving for human brains), helped trim the tree and chatted merrily with everyone. Dinner was the stopper. Watching everyone eat turkey only got me thinking about sweet, delicious human flesh. Next thing I knew, the saliva was running everywhere (lip control had been fading for weeks).
Then Dad asked me to pass the gravy. I picked up the gravy boat, started to pass it left - and my thumb fell off, right into the gravy. No one said anything, but I knew eventually someone would wind up with my thumb on their mashed potatoes, and all holiday politeness would go out the window.
So I did the only thing I could: I "accidentally" spilled the gravy all over myself. Then I knew I had only seconds before everyone started trying to wipe it up, so I frantically searched for my thumb. Then my jaw dropped. Not with surprise, mind you - my jaw literally dropped off my face and into my lap. Well, THAT they couldn't pretend not to notice.
Mom passed out, Dad laughed, Aunt Rose got up and ran to the bathroom (she didn't quite make it), and everyone else pretty much just went into hysterics.
"Kevin's DEAD!" Justin said, pointing at me. "Gross!"
Long story short, it pretty much ruined everyone's Christmas. I don't know if I'll be invited back for Easter or not. It's OK, though, 'cause my girlfriend died the other day and she said we can just go to her family's house for Easter. She says they're a little more tolerant of animated corpses.
E-mail the writer at kgramone@aol.com. By the way, he sincerely apologizes to George Romero.