bush approval rating Brain Farts Brain Fart brain farts brain fart brain-fart brain-farts brainfart brainfarts LEO Louisville Eccentric Observer parody lampoon satire Louisville Kentucky Kevin Gibson kgramone@aol.com kgramone humor cat's ass fart anna kournikova zeitgeist bush approval rating
Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.
Unless you're as bored as I am.
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Brain Farts: Whitewasher |
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By Kevin Gibson |
NEW
YORK -- In a prepared statement today, former U.S. President Bill Clinton and
his wife, Hillary Rodham Clinton, said they really did commit numerous frauds
and other wrongdoings in the infamous Whitewater scandal, adding that they had
long denied such allegations "just to see if we could get away with it."
The Clintons sought to reassure their estimated 13 to 14 remaining supporters by
saying, "It was just for fun. We didn't mean to hurt anybody. Really."
A report by independent counsel Robert Ray, which cost taxpayers a reported $70
million and ended up as a five-volume, 2,200-page tome (a little more than
double the size of "Gone With the Wind"), turned up insufficient evidence that
Clinton "knowingly participated in the criminal financial transactions used by
partners Jim and Susan McDougal to benefit Whitewater."
However, Jim McDougal (who would later die in prison) and his wife were both
convicted and sentenced to 18 months for fraud. Ten other people involved were
convicted on fraud charges as well, leading to speculation that the Clintons
must also be guilty in some way.
"Now, now, just because there's a fight on the playground doesn't mean you have
to give ALL the kids detention," said David Kendall, Bill Clinton's lawyer.
Kendall, according to numerous accounts, is a dirtbag.
Interestingly, in 1993, shortly after Clinton was elected president, Vincent
Foster, the man who probably knew the most about the Clintons' Whitewater
involvement, died of an apparent self-inflicted gunshot wound. However, Foster
never gave any indication of suicidal thoughts, a bullet was never found,
Foster's prints weren't on the gun and some reports say blood was running uphill
from the body. His death was nevertheless ruled a suicide. The Clintons' most
recent statement said: "You guys are sooooo gullible."
And regarding Hillary Clinton's infamous forgetfulness during the investigation
into the 18-month disappearance of key records in the Whitewater case -- which
later magically turned up in the White House -- the couple had this to say: "We
laughed about that for weeks. We even had an office pool going about how long it
would take us to get busted. Joe Lockhart made a killing."
Bill Clinton said his favorite part of the prank was being able to lie whenever
he wanted to with no repercussions -- even though everyone knew he was lying.
"Remember when I told '60 Minutes' after the Republican convention that 'nothing
had been proven' instead of 'I am not guilty'? They just STOOD there!"
The Clintons also addressed a report by The Progressive Review, which said,
among other things, that 31 people died who were or had been involved with
Clinton during his political career, including 11 in plane crashes, seven in
suicides and three in auto accidents.
"That's kind of cool," the Clinton release stated. "That's one more than the
number of northern Mafia killings during the peak years of 1968-1978. That might
be a good trivia question someday."
Contact the writer at kgramone@aol.com.
And honk if you hate fat, sleazy, felonious ex-presidents.