bush approval rating Brain Farts Brain Fart brain farts brain fart brain-fart brain-farts brainfart brainfarts LEO Louisville Eccentric Observer parody lampoon satire Louisville Kentucky Kevin Gibson kgramone@aol.com kgramone humor cat's ass fart anna kournikova zeitgeist bush approval rating
Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.
Unless you're as bored as I am.
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Brain Farts: Satan Retorts |
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By Kevin Gibson |
Responding to a recent press release from God, Satan released his own prepared statement today, calling the Creator a "childish egomaniac."
God's recent claim that it was he who gave the Beatles the creative inspiration that produced songs like "Eleanor Rigby" and "Please Please Me" was "misleading and self-serving," The Prince of Darkness said. "Sure, I agree that he probably had a hand in writing those songs, but did God tell the whole story? No. He never does."
Satan pointed out that God also had a hand in the Magical Mystery Tour concept, which was poorly received at the time and made the public realize that the Beatles were only human and capable of making a so-so album. "But does he tell us that? No, because he's just a childish egomaniac."
Satan described God as a master of political spin, a public relations machine bent purely on making himself look good and his foes look bad.
"How else do you explain televangelists?" he said. "Pure media manipulation. And look at some of the stuff he wrote about me in the Bible. Sure, the disciples actually wrote it, but we all know who was behind it."
Satan said his time in heaven (he was formerly an angel named Lucifer, according to popular belief) was turbulent because God didn't agree with many of his ideas. He was later asked to leave. "He didn't cast me out because I rebelled, he cast me out because he felt threatened."
The Devil also pointed out in his press release that he too is responsible for a few creations that affect life on earth today, "and some of them are not so bad. I just don't go around patting myself on the back."
He claimed responsibility for addictive drugs ("People ENJOY that. I don't tell them they have to keep doing it," Satan said); Jeffery Dahmer ("No one ever talks about all the chocolate he helped make that brought so much joy to children's lives"); and lower back pain ("Without it, would we have massages? Hmm?").
"You see," Satan said, "God and I have a cause and effect relationship. If I do something bad, he counters it with something good. I understand that, because that's the way we work. But I deserve some of the credit for those things. He wouldn't have created, say, cheese, if I hadn't come up with the idea to make milk go bad. But you never hear that perspective."
It works the other way, too, he admitted. "Sure, I try to one-up him on occasion," Satan said. "Maybe he chose the Beatles as 'his band,' but tell me something: Who do you think created Yoko?"
Contact the writer at kgramone@aol.com. Hurry, before he dies and goes to hell.