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Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer (LEO) from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.

Unless you're as bored as I am.

 

 

The Naked Guy in My Bedroom

By Kevin Gibson
March 3, 2009

I have a confession to make: There’s a naked guy in my bedroom.

I’ve been trying to ignore him for a long time now, but he won’t go away. In fact, he hovers over me nightly, and it’s beginning to make me a little uneasy. Single, straight men like myself should not have naked guys in their bedrooms. It’s just … well, inappropriate.

But I’m not sure how to make the naked guy go away. No one seems to want him; I tried to sell him online, to no avail. I considered letting my dad sell him at his flea market booth, but the last thing you want to admit to your father is that you have a naked guy in your bedroom.

Perhaps I should explain.

When my ex-girlfriend moved out last year, she left behind a few things. One of those was a t-shirt with an evil looking kitty on it and the words “Hello, Satan” (Note to my ex: If you’re reading this, do you want that shirt back? It’s too small for me.) Another one was the naked guy in the bedroom.

The naked guy in question is actually a very large, framed print (roughly four feet by five feet) of the oil painting, “Nude Youth Sitting by the Sea,” by Hippolyte Flandrin (1836). Normally, you would have to visit The Louvre in Paris, France, to see this particular naked guy … but, as fate would have it, he’s also found a home on the wall above my bed.

When my ex hung it up after we moved in together, it didn’t bother me much. Hey, a naked guy on the wall? What do I care? I have a live-in girlfriend, so clearly I know which team I'm playing for here.

So what’s with that naked guy, you ask? He’s just art. And he’s not my art, he’s her art.

As in, “Hello, welcome to our home. This is the kitchen, this is the bathroom, and this is our naked guy.” I was fine with it. Really.

But when we broke up, and she moved out … she inexplicably didn’t take the naked guy with her. She took the cats, she took most of the good linens, but the naked guy stayed. (One would think a newly single female would really want a naked guy, but she didn’t.)

So I e-mailed her and said, “Hey, do you want this naked guy?” “No,” she said, “You can keep him.”

But, um, I don’t want to keep him. He’s … a naked guy.

Days turned into weeks, and for some reason, I left him where he was – didn’t take him down. I found that as time went by, I noticed him less and less until it reached a point where I didn’t really see him at all. Denial was at work, to be sure. No single, heterosexual male wants to admit he has a naked guy in his bedroom, not even to himself. It’s indecent and emasculating. Some would even opine that it’s a tad gay.

Well, finding myself single, it was inevitable that before too long I invited a young lady friend back to my place. Guess what she noticed right away?

“Why do you have a naked guy in your bedroom?” she asked.

Dammit.

Now, I’m not going to say the naked guy had anything to do with the fact that she and I would break up a few months later. But it couldn’t have helped, you know?

Friend of the ex: "So tell me about this new guy you're seeing."

Ex: "He has a naked guy in his bedroom."

Friend of the ex: "I think we need to talk."

And this now makes TWO women who have departed from my life during the time I have had a naked guy in my bedroom. Can this be a coincidence? Did my ex leave the naked guy there to curse my future dating endeavors? Is this Revenge By Naked Guy?

As fate would have it, recently another lady friend visited my humble home. It was dark when I initially gave her a tour of that portion of my house, so she didn’t notice the naked guy at first and … what? What are you snickering about? It's not what you're thinking, so just stick to the story. Smart aleck.

Anyway, when the sun came up, guess what she asked?

“Why do you have a naked guy in your bedroom?”

I don’t know, OK?? I DON’T FREAKING KNOW!!!

Well, after some discussion, this friend convinced me to post the naked guy for sale on Craigslist. 

My ad reads: “This is a framed print of Hippolyte Flandrin's ‘Nude Youth Sitting by the Sea.’ Great shape, measures 54" wide x 39" high. Black frame. Ex-girlfriend left it when she moved out, and I'm tired of having a naked dude in my bedroom all the time. $25 or best offer. Please come and buy this thing, all my buddies are calling me names.”

But guess what? I have not gotten a single nibble, except for one guy who wrote and said, “Ha ha – why don’t you just give it away?” Ass.

The truth is, I’m beginning to think no one else wants a naked guy in their bedroom, even if there is no cost involved. Heck, I’m even afraid to put it out with the trash, because then all my neighbors will know I’ve been hiding a naked guy in my house for the last two years.

All this is to say that I am currently soliciting ideas for how to humanely get rid of this thing – and by humanely I mean with minimal embarrassment – so please e-mail me with any possible solutions you may have. I may even offer some kind of prize for anyone who comes up with the best idea for how to exorcise the naked guy. Better yet, if you want the damn thing, feel free to come and pick it up.

Hey, you never know when you might need a naked guy.

E-mail me if you must. And for chrissakes, put some clothes on.