bush approval rating Brain Farts Brain Fart brain farts brain fart brain-fart brain-farts brainfart brainfarts LEO Louisville Eccentric Observer parody lampoon satire Louisville Kentucky Kevin Gibson kgramone@aol.com kgramone humor cat's ass fart anna kournikova zeitgeist bush approval rating
Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.
Unless you're as bored as I am.
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Brain Farts: Now Ear This |
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By Kevin Gibson |
I
discovered the other day that I had an ear hair. (Yes, I do realize that without
inner ear hair, I would be deaf. But I don’t need one that’s 4 inches long,
thank you very much.)
When I first discovered it, I wasn’t near a mirror. But I could feel it. I felt
it pull when I scratched my ear, and it freaked me out. I was stuck at my desk
at work in the middle of the afternoon with an EAR HAIR and there was not a
thing I could do about it. Nothing. I found myself hating that hair with a
passion that some might call maniacal. Demonic, even.
I imagined the hair was an alien that was slowly developing in my brain and had
sprouted out my ear. By the time I got home, the hair would be a tentacle, and
it would do terrible things to people while I was sleeping. Then the nose hair
would awake. World dominance would soon follow.
Perhaps I am just afraid of someone buying me one of those little nose-hair
trimmers as a gift. If that happens, I will hunt them down and grind up their
face into chili meat. I make good chili. You should try it sometime.
But, seriously, this hair was alarming. It was coarse and big. I still have a
difficult time believing it came from this earth, let alone out of my ear, and I
began to worry: Could this be the hidden cause for Alzheimer’s disease? Ingrown
ear hair?
Then I wondered if it was another one of God’s little jokes, like Jerry
Springer. If so, then God is one sick dude. I decided to seek out the truth
myself. Unfortunately, by educating myself on the origin of ear hair, I only
grew more frightened. Apparently, this could be just the beginning. I went to
Hair-News.com (I know, I know), which informed me that Mayo Clinic research has
shown the male hormone DHT causes ear and nose hair to grow. Increased levels of
DHT in 30-somethings like me bring about big disgusting shafts of hair. In our
ears. You want to hear the funny part? That’s also the hormone that causes
baldness. That makes me mad.
Hair-News.com was kind enough to offer advice. First of all, trim — don’t pluck.
The site also recommended one of those nose-hair trimmer things I hate,
reminding visitors that, “Holding a pair of scissors in front of your face while
trying to see up your nose is a recipe for disaster.” Really?
The only true useful and meaningful knowledge I managed to glean from all this —
and I want to be exceedingly clear that I am completely serious here — is that
FINALLY I understand why Bigfoot stays hidden. If ear hair is my fate, and my
only other alternative is to use one of those nose-hair machines, then I will
wander the countryside alongside Bigfoot — two disgruntled, hairy freaks, alone
with nature and at peace.
E-mail the writer at kgramone@aol.com.
Tell him your hair stories.