bush approval rating Brain Farts Brain Fart brain farts brain fart brain-fart brain-farts brainfart brainfarts LEO Louisville Eccentric Observer parody lampoon satire Louisville Kentucky Kevin Gibson kgramone@aol.com kgramone humor cat's ass fart anna kournikova zeitgeist bush approval rating
Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.
Unless you're as bored as I am.
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Brain Farts: Making the Divorce Easier |
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By Kevin Gibson |
My best friend last week celebrated his 10th anniversary. I'm talking, of course, about the 10th anniversary of his divorce. The marriage lasted only about five years.
But through this celebration, it became clear to us that society has the process backwards. As it stands, people usually get married in a fancy ceremony, followed by a big expensive celebration and a honeymoon, then a few years later we divorce with no fanfare -- just boring documents signed in a stuffy law office.
I propose that from now on, all marriages begin with a simple signing of papers -- no ceremony, no reception, none of the frills. That way, at the very least, the couple starts out their "life" together without massive debt already hanging over them.
Five years or so later, when the married man and woman realize they can no longer stand the sight of each other, they have a divorce ceremony in front of all their friends and family for the official removing of the rings and retraction of the vows ("I, Joe Smith, reject thee Mary as my lawfully wedded wife ...").
Since they didn't have the initial debt, they've had time to save money for a divorce reception. This would include the traditional buffet dinner and a band, and guests would, of course, bring gifts - traditional gifts like toasters, blenders, picture frames and so forth, because the couple, soon to be living separately, will need two of everything.
When the happy ex-couple arrive at the reception, the bandleader announces them as "the former Mr. and Mrs. Smith," (or whatever) and with that the couple has its "last dance." After this, they begin dancing with others at the party because, hey, they're single again. No sense wasting time.
The highlight here is that minor custody issues can be settled at the reception. For instance, whoever hooks up first gets the dog or the TV or the Ginsu knives or whatever else the unhappy couple is fighting over. Whoever catches the bouquet gets to be the first to sleep with the ex-groom, and whoever catches the garter -- well, you get the picture.
The new divorcees will then cut the cake, and the best man will make a speech telling everyone how nice it will be that his best buddy can watch football games, drink beer and publicly ogle women with him again.
Then the honeymoons commence, with the ex-bride and ex-groom going on separate holidays as far away from each other as is geographically possible. After that comes the bachelor party. Dig it, guys: strippers aren't an issue any more.
OK, OK, right now some of you might be saying, "That Brain Farts guy is truly a cynical bastard." It could be true, or it could just be because I, too, am divorced. In my opinion, I'm just a post-marital realist. Plus I'm still a little cheesed off that I didn't get the Ginsu knives.
E-mail the writer at kgramone@aol.com. Or don't. He doesn't care.