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Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.

Unless you're as bored as I am.

We all have our favorite things, our pet preferences. I prefer Pepsi to Coke. Give me Miller Lite over Bud Light, in spite of the stupid intentional misspelling of the word “Light.” I’ll take death by sudden blow to the head over death by drowning. Hey, that’s just me.

This young lady whom I see on a regular basis (please, don’t ask me to explain) recently was complaining about not being able to find the right kind of bra at Target. The bras she likes are one-piece, pullover-type garments that really bear little or no resemblance to the bras girls used to wear when I was in high school. So basically, the snap-versus-hook question isn’t even an issue here. Ditto front-versus-back. It’s all elastic – one motion and you’re finished. (Frankly, I would have appreciated this in high school; elasticity technology is a wonderful thing.)

Anyway, she lamented that she feared Target wasn’t going to sell her favorite kind of bra anymore. So I said, “Why not just get a sports bra?”

She responded that sports bras are too “binding.” Too “hefty.” Huh? Bottom line: “They make me look completely flat.”

Ahhh. Gotcha. Honestly, I understood what she was talking about. Men have specific needs when it comes to underwear. Some guys like boxers, some guys like briefs. Me, I’m a briefs guy, although you will never, ever catch me in “tighty whities.” It’s just the principle of the thing. (Plus, the skid marks are harder to hide.)

I’m OK with boxers, but there’s just too much room for my equipment to, uh, settle during shipping. You see, I kind of like to know where everything is at all times. It’s sort of like putting your keys and wallet in the same place every day when you come home; there’s just a strange sense of security and peace in that. Plus, it’s easier to keep everybody facing the right direction (south) in briefs. (A friend of mine once said that briefs were “like a warm hand.” That’s more than I wanted to know, but point taken.)

I like boxer briefs – the oddly alluring hybrid between the two classic underwear formats – well enough, but they don’t have a long enough attention span for my satisfaction. You know, even though they’re more persuasive than boxers, they aren’t as committed as regular briefs – they get distracted. By the end of the day, the troops are starting to march out of time, and that gets me annoyed. Fifty push-ups for everybody.

But getting back to my female friend, I totally understand why she wouldn’t want to wear the sports bra all the time. I mean, that would be akin to me wearing a jock strap every day instead of briefs. As you already know, I’m interested in organization, but I don’t want to live in a dictatorship.

You probably noticed that I didn’t mention the commando option. I tried that once, but all it did was give me an irrational fear of zippers to go with my irrational fear of clowns. OK, yeah, now I remember. Death by drowning would be better than death by clown invasion. But hey, that’s just me.

E-mail the writer at kgramone@aol.com. Four out of five dentists prefer briefs over boxers.