Brain Farts Brain Fart brain farts brain fart brain-fart brain-farts brainfart brainfarts LEO Louisville Eccentric Observer parody lampoon satire Louisville Kentucky Kevin Gibson kgramone@aol.com kgramone humor
Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer (LEO) from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.
Unless you're as bored as I am.
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Brain Farts: God Says Scientists Are
Idiots |
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By Kevin Gibson |
An
obviously angered Creator of the Universe lashed out at reports today that
scientists have discovered proof that life can and did exist on planets other
than Earth — and that life as we know it is actually extraterrestrial in origin.
Bruno D’Argenio, a geologist working for the Italian National Research Council,
and Giuseppe Geraci, professor of molecular biology at Naples University,
claimed recently that they identified and brought back to life extraterrestrial
microorganisms lodged inside 4.5-billion-year-old meteorites.
The bacteria, called “cryms” (for crystal microbes) by the researchers, remained
dormant for billions of years and survived extreme conditions — a clear
indication that “life can exist everywhere in the solar system, though in a
quiescent state,” the research team said.
God, on the other hand, said in a prepared release that “these so-called
‘scientists’ have watched one too many episodes of ‘The X-Files.’ I made that
particular microbe as a gift for an old friend of mine as a means for
re-carbonating flat beer, and a few of them wound up in those meteorites
somehow. And they’re not called ‘cryms,’ for crying out loud, they’re called
‘Hank.’”
God further stated that to say these “cryms” or “Hank” are 4.5 billion years old
and from another planet is to deny that He created life. While the Bible doesn’t
give God credit for the dinosaurs — “things were confusing enough back then, so
I kept it a secret,” he claims — it does give him credit for “creating the
Heavens and the Earth.” God said that statement is all encompassing.
“If they don’t want to believe it, I’ll turn their precious little ‘cryms’ into
jelly beans to prove it,” God said in a prepared statement. “I can do it, too.
Just watch me. Scientists my eye. Scientologists is more like it.”
But most scientists aren’t buying His argument. “Their genetic code is unlike
any known on Earth,” argued Giovanni F. Bignami, scientific director of the
Italian Space Agency. Disputing God’s “Hank” claim, he said that in studying the
bacteria, the team found that the bacteria came back to life after the samples
were sterilized at 950 degrees Celsius and doused in alcohol. No current Earth
creature responds that way.
The discovery, if proved to be accurate, would strengthen the “panspermia”
theory, first suggested by chemist Svante Aarhenius in 1900. According to this
theory, outer space aliens seeded Earth with primitive life forms roughly 4
billion years ago.
“Pansper-what?” God retorted. “Gimme a break. Aarhenius didn’t know what he was
talking about. You know, humans were smoking dope before he developed that
theory. You see where I’m going with this?”
Getting back to his “X-Files” comment, God noted that in the show it is
purported that an alien virus inhabits some of the characters’ bodies and can
jump from person to person as needed; that aliens planted metal probes in
characters’ necks; and that aliens have sent humanoid hybrids to Earth to thwart
a rival’s attempt over the planet.
“You don’t see that crap making the news, do you?” God said. “Sheesh.”
E-mail the writer at kgramone@aol.com. All
your base are belong to us.