Brain Farts Brain Fart brain farts brain fart brain-fart brain-farts brainfart brainfarts LEO Louisville Eccentric Observer parody lampoon satire Louisville Kentucky Kevin Gibson kgramone@aol.com kgramone humor
Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer (LEO) from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.
Unless you're as bored as I am.
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Brain Farts: The Latest Miracle Diet |
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By Kevin Gibson |
Do you
need to shed a few pounds? Do all your friends call you "waffle thighs"? Are you
tired of being the only one at the office who has a saggy forehead? Does your
doctor say you'll be dead in five years if you don't stop eating frozen pizzas
for every meal?
Well, from your friends at Common Sense Inc. comes a revolutionary new way to
lose weight and maintain a healthier lifestyle. It has been approved by the U.S.
Food and Drug Administration, can be explained and/or prescribed by any
physician and is thought by many to be the most radical and innovative new
breakthrough in weight loss science since heroine addiction.
How does it work, you ask? Here it is: Eat a healthy diet and exercise.
It's true! It's just that easy!
One of the secrets to this creative Common Sense solution for being overweight
and unhealthy is a new food alternative called "vegetables." These so-called
"vegetables" are low in fat and high in nutritional content, so when we eat
them, they actually benefit our bodies WITHOUT making us overweight!
Sound too good to be true? Be patient -- there's more. By eating a reasonable
number of these "vegetables" and combining them with another new food
breakthrough called "fruits," we can effectively shed unwanted weight while
simultaneously making our bodies more healthy and durable.
I know what you're thinking: "Gee, all these special dietary supplements must be
expensive." Well, guess what? These "fruits" and "vegetables" grow in the
GROUND. And you can grow them legally in your own BACK YARD! It's true!
Once you've grown or purchased (they are also available at most supermarkets)
your selected fruits and vegetables (they come in a variety of flavors!), all
you have to do is insert them into your diet in place of the cheese curls,
chocolate snack cakes and fast-food value meals that currently dominate your
food intake.
Next comes the part where you "exercise." When humans "exercise," they actually
BURN OFF FAT in the process. This is not a sales pitch -- it's true! By jogging
three or four times a week, taking a long walk each night after dinner or
regularly engaging in some kind of sports activity, you can actually help
yourself lose those extra pounds -- without taking amphetamines or having a
gastric bypass!
This "exercise" also makes your body stronger, gives you more overall energy and
makes you feel better as well. Combine it with your newly found foods and you
will be amazed! Finally, a weight loss plan that actually works -- it's the
Common Sense plan!
Read these testimonials:
"I was obese and unhealthy. Then I heard about this new 'eat healthy and
exercise' plan, and within two months I felt like a new man. Thanks, Common
Sense!" --J.B., Provo, Utah
"I used to eat junk food and watch TV all day. Thanks to Common Sense, I've
inserted healthy foods and this new breakthrough called 'exercise' into my
lifestyle. I've never felt better!" --R.S., Athens, Ohio
Warning: Side effects may include improved health, longer life, better sex and a
more positive outlook. Thank you.
E-mail the writer at kgramone@aol.com.
(Burp.)