Brain Farts Brain Fart brain farts brain fart brain-fart brain-farts brainfart brainfarts LEO Louisville Eccentric Observer parody lampoon satire Louisville Kentucky Kevin Gibson kgramone@aol.com kgramone humor
Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer (LEO) from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.
Unless you're as bored as I am.
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Brain Farts: Postcard From the Couch |
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By Kevin Gibson |
I got
laid off from my job recently. As many of you know, it can be depressing. You
worry about money and how you're going to make ends meet. Your self-esteem
suffers in general. Your feet stink. (OK, that's not directly related to
unemployment, but sitting around all day in your sock feet makes you notice it
more.)
But the worst thing about unemployment is daytime television. What a wasteland.
The only thing I've learned from it: "Diff'rent Strokes" just wasn't funny. Not
at all.
I came across a show called "The Other Half." It's "The Dating Game" meets
"Survivor." Utter nonsense. And it has that guy who played Slater on "Saved By
the Bell" interviewing shallow yuppies who have been fixed up with other shallow
yuppies. (Is "yuppie" still a word?)
On "Jenny Jones" I saw "My Pre-Teen is Out of Control!" Apparently four out of
five child psychologists recommend taking problem children on nationally
syndicated talk shows to resolve family disputes.
Then there's Home Shopping Network. Idiots selling things to other idiots. They
were selling a motivational tape collection called "Unstoppable" (including a
free "action guide," whatever that is). Apparently, these tapes gave Ray Charles
the impetus to become a singer instead of a lawn chair weaver.
And on the Food Network, some ex-college football player showed me how to make
coconut lime sour bars, based on his Nana's secret family recipe. When host Ceci
Carmichael (no, really, that's her name) asked if he altered the recipe, this
huge guy said, "Messing with Nana's recipe is sacrilegious. Don't go there."
Don't go there?
Which brings me to "The View." I had heard about this show but didn't believe in
it. Kind of like Yanni. Or the flesh-eating virus. But it's real. It consists of
women sitting around clucking and eating and annoying people.
And I want to tell you I am already sick of watching Spider-Man hock burgers for
Hardee's. And what does he need with Cingular phone service when he has Spidey
Sense?
Martha Stewart. Oh my god. One of the most annoying people on the planet. For
the 30 seconds I could bear watching, she was showing how to make a "portable
press kit" for picking up and keeping flowers and such using cardboard, paper
and rubber bands. This way, you don't have to use your prized hardback books.
They PAY her for this?
All in all, I am really disappointed that these shows have enough viewers to
stay on the air. I guess the networks figure unemployed people aren't too smart
or they could get jobs and wouldn't have to watch this crap. Here's hoping I get
one soon. My brain cells are fading fast.
Contact the writer at kgramone@aol.com.
Quick, hand him the remote.