Brain Farts Brain Fart brain farts brain fart brain-fart brain-farts brainfart brainfarts LEO Louisville Eccentric Observer parody lampoon satire Louisville Kentucky Kevin Gibson kgramone@aol.com kgramone humor
Brain Farts was a weekly humor column that ran in the Louisville Eccentric Observer (LEO) from mid-2000 until the summer of 2002. It was, well, eccentric. And occasionally satirical. And sardonic. Some liked it, some hated it; some just didn't get it, and that's OK. There were times when I didn't get it either. I've compiled here some of the archives from Brain Farts for the enjoyment of friends, family and anyone else who happens by. I also have written some new Brain Farts, and added some links and other trivialities that you shouldn't be too concerned with.
Unless you're as bored as I am.
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Brain Farts: Tongue Wars |
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By Kevin Gibson |
For
better or worse, some people have developed taste buds that favor extremes.
Those of you who fall into this category know what I mean. You like all the
stuff your friends don't. Your relatives say things like, "How can you eat
that?" and "What's that crap all over it?" This distinction can be good and bad.
And each little taste bud quirk brings its own responses from those around you.
PRO: Tasteful people think you are modern and progressive when they see you
savoring a piece of maguro (tuna) in a trendy sushi bar.
CON: Some people cringe and turn a dark green when they see you shove a slimy
hunk of raw fish (sushi) in your mouth.
PRO: Tasteful people think you are modern and progressive when they see you
savoring a raw oyster straight from its shell.
CON: Everyone around you wonders why you are eating a huge gray booger. Several
people run to the bathroom.
PRO: Tasteful people think you are modern and progressive when you order a
microbrew or expensive imported ale in a restaurant.
CON: Everyone wonders why you just paid five bucks for a freaking brew when the
light beer they ordered is on special for $1.50.
You get my point. But this taste buds thing is becoming a cultural dividing
line. Those who don't acquire these extreme tastes think those who do are snobby
or just weird. Those who do think the rest of you are just narrow-minded,
culturally retarded nimrods who undoubtedly will die by choking on a McDonald's
hamburger.
Oops. Lost my objectivity there for a moment.
Seriously, though, this could explode into the next Hatfields vs. McCoys, the
next Republicans vs. Democrats, the next dogs vs. cats or the next me vs. all
those inconsiderate, self-absorbed egomaniacal butt sausages who think it's all
right to NEVER use their turn signals.
I mean, if asked to choose between a healthy dash of After Death hot sauce on
your burrito or a goodnight kiss from your date, which do you choose? Why should
you be forced to choose? Where do you draw the line? And, yes, pale ale is
bitter and makes your breath smell like you just ate a couch cushion, but should
this alienate you from society? Should you be ostracized for your individuality?
Should you be forced to deviate from what your palate covets? This is blatant
discrimination, and I will NOT stand for it.
Eat your McDonald's. Drink your Bud Light. I choose to ingest the most
spirituous food and drink on the planet, and I will see you all in hell. Pack a
lunch, and I'll bring the hot sauce.
Contact the writer at kgramone@aol.com.
But it's probably best to wait until he wipes that stuff off his chin.